The Ungrateful Adoptee

Dismissive tactics are fairly well understood, especially in social justice and debate circles. In the adoption arena, however, these tactics take on a willful blindness and venom which is truly disturbing. Let's explore some of the most commonly used phrases. "Not all adoptions are the same." "What if the mother won't parent?" "Well what do you suggest, then?" "I'm sorry you had a bad experience, but..." Really, I could fill a blog with "phrases commonly used to dismiss anyone who has anything negative to say about adoption" but I won't waste my time or yours reiterating that familiar drivel. We all know the phrases. We've all been told we "just had a bad experience".  We all have experience with those that dismiss because they don't like our tone. Dismiss being the key word. Phrases like "not all...", "what if...", angry, bitter, bad experience, and "can't we all

Adoption promised me a better life. A promise upon which it did not deliver. For me, and so many adoptees out there, both adult and minor, adoption is a crapshoot that didn't or isn't work(ing) out for us.  Since it is a common deflection, let's address the crapshoot that is biological family for a moment so we can establish that is not the same set of challenges once and for all. No, we do not choose who we are born to, any more than we are given a choice about being adopted. Yes, the people we are born to can be just as challenging and cruel as an abusive adopter.  Now consider for a moment, these facts on top of those inherent challenges. 1. The alteration of my identity completed at an age by which I was cognizant of my identity (i.e. Julie means me) and not old enough to understand why I was suddenly surrounded by strangers who called me by some strange name I didn't understand. 2. The alteration of my birth certificate and vital records, and the

Since so many expectant mothers seem to be so unclear on what they are giving up, let's make it loud and very very clear. In the kindest language I can use, that is. It means you lose ALL rights to your child. Since relinquishers seem to think there are exceptions to these rights they lose, let's lay it out loud and clear. Once that paper is signed, your rights to ALL OF THE FOLLOWING ARE GONE. KAPUT. FINISHED. You no longer have the right to name me, and the name you chose is meaningless. You don't have the right to be listed on my birth certificate or have a copy. Nor should you, as you have signed over your motherhood to a stranger. Nor do you have the right to an opinion on my upbringing, religion, education, social attitude, morals, values, or opinion of you. You are signing away your right for me to know the truth about you. You don't get to decide what my adopters tell me about you. And most of the time their story doesn't match yours. You no longer hav

I was robbed of the connections that belonged to me. The connection to my blood, my biology, and the life I should have had were severed by my mother when she chose to abandon me with my father. She had already taken one sibling from me at that point, my older sister, relinquished at three years old, not too long before I came along. She would go on to take eight more; the six she passed out to her friends as they came out of her, like litter after litter of unwanted kittens, and the two my father kept. He would have kept me, too, had my mother not effectively ostracized him from his family with her habits and then abandoned him with a four month old baby. On her side, eight children scattered to six different families... no chance for connection there. But with my father's side, I will always feel the missed opportunity. I will always believe there was a chance in the pages somewhere with them that was missed. Part of me will always feel like I blew it with my honesty. You see,

Yeah, I know it sounds like I'm doing the "oh, poor me, everyone hates me" bullshit. This is not that. I am well and widely hated and vilified. I also happen to know for a fact that some people love me. Almost to the point of fandom. This has been the dichotomy of my adopted existence. My difference... my unusualness... my downright WEIRDNESS and inability to "fit in" has always caused my peers and society to have this reaction to me. I'm loved, I'm hated, and there's really no in between. I was going to bore you with the narrative of how, over the course of thirteen months, I went from coddled newb to everyone's favorite villain in adoptionland, but the people who will actually read this already know. So I'll just cut to the chase. I understand why I'm disliked by relinquishers, adopters, and adoptees alike. What I don't understand is the double standard. Relinquishers hate me because I insist that anyone not BSE did indeed hav

If you want to have a good reunion with your "angry adoptee", here are a few things I'm relatively certain will make a positive difference for you. Some of it will be hard to read. You may want to deflect or abscond, but if you can sit with your discomfort on this, you may well be able to sit with your discomfort in reunion, and that WILL make it better. 1. Own Your Shit. I cannot stress this enough. Own your choices and decisions. Don't blame others, your lack of support, religious oppression, coercion from adoption professionals. Phrases like, "I didn't have support, but ultimately I decided to put you up for adoption, and for that I'm sorry." will go a long way. 2. Don't Expect Us To Feel Sorry For You. We want to know why you relinquished us, and we want the truth. The circumstances surrounding relinquishment are never truly positive for an adoptee, even if they seem that way at first. Don't expect compassion for your dire circums

I have recently been accused of "being known by many many as the spawn of Nancy Verrier". Honestly all I can do is chuckle. Reason being, since I read The Primal Wound, I detest the woman. Anyone who's spoken to me on the subject can attest to this. I can't stand Nancy Verrier. I can't tolerate any adopter who can't accept their own culpability in adoption trauma, and she CLEARLY couldn't. She had no inkling, or didn't want to, about the role adopters play in adoptee trauma. I could practically hear her in the wailing adopter tone as I read the book... "We just wanted a child to love! Through no fault of our own, this child is traumatized! We do our best, but it's just SO HARD to love these mean little adoptees with their PTSD and trauma! It's not MY fault you won't LET ME LOVE YOU! I didn't do anything wrong, and you've been hurting me since infancy with your rejection and acting out! All I wanted was to love you uncondi

Nowhere in this blog do I say "be an asshole". All through it, in fact, I say, "Adoptees, do what's best for you, as the only real victim of adoption." I have seen too many blogs in which relinquishers think they have some kind of special insight into reunion and the adopted condition. It often feels like some kind of sick cosmic joke; adoptees longing for answers and ownership of responsibility from the women who rejected them finding relinquishers who blame, finger point, and gaslight. It's like everyone is mismatched, adoptees desperately searching for peace and being thwarted at every turn by adopters, governmental agencies, and overly sensitive, self involved relinquishers. And still we just want the people we're blood related to. This post was inspired by Musings of the Lame's blog post, "Ways to Ruin an Adoption Reunion II, Adoptee Do's and Don'ts edition". *How An Adoptee Might Hurt Their "Mother"* Keeping

The focus of adoptionland is skewed. There are too many focusing on adopters and relinquishers. Too many treatises on their feelings, wants, and needs, even on the middle of passages supposedly written for us, adoptees. Adoptees need to remember how hurt everyone else is by their relinquishment. We need to be gentle and deferent because of their incredible loss. Don't ever forget your rejection of your adopters as an infant and (in my case) small child. Don't ever let it slip your mind how much pain you've caused your poor adoptress. All she wanted was her own child! Don't forget all the suffering she had to deal with before you were even born (seeing as how that has *so much* to do with you as a person). Don't forget about all of her grief, infertility, miscarriages, dashed hopes, sadness, and endless needs!  She wasn't thinking of you when she adopted. She was thinking of herself. You need to remember and respect how sad she was, and how lucky you are that s

I understand. I scare you. The truth scares you. Your pain scares you. And more importantly, perhaps most importantly of all, my pain, OUR PAIN, scares you. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to ban and block. To a degree, it's okay to talk shit about me. We're all adults. Do you know what's not okay? Trying to shut me down. Trying to silence my voice. Trying to cut me off from my comfort, connections, and freedom. The constant neverending petty target on my back. The barrage of abuse in my inbox and the constant reporting and harrassment. I don't report you, because, unlike you, I have actual work to do. There are too many Adoptees out there who lack a voice. They think they're alone. They think they're crazy and the only one feeling this irreparable, undefinable loss. They don't understand why they feel what they do, or that they're allowed to feel that way. They're brainwashed. They're damaged. They're wracked with guilt becau

No. No, you really don't. Non-adopted person, listen to me and listen good. You do NOT wish you were adopted. If you knew what it feels like to be adopted and aware, you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy. Adoption is trauma and abuse of a voiceless infant. Whatever the circumstance, we are torn from our families and thrown to strangers. We scream and protest until we are quite literally broken. And we carry that break in us for the rest of our lives. I'm just going to assume that those of you who wish you were adopted percieve yourselves to have been abused or mistreated in some way by your family. Funny, I was abused and mistreated by my family too, and I WAS adopted. Beaten? Me too, and I was adopted . Verbally abused? Me too, and I was adopted. Molested and raped? Me too, and I was adopted. Sounds pretty well the same to me. Until you add in the distinct disadvantage of developmental trauma. Until you add in massive loss and fear of abandonment. Until you a