The Ungrateful Adoptee

Dismissive tactics are fairly well understood, especially in social justice and debate circles. In the adoption arena, however, these tactics take on a willful blindness and venom which is truly disturbing. Let's explore some of the most commonly used phrases. "Not all adoptions are the same." "What if the mother won't parent?" "Well what do you suggest, then?" "I'm sorry you had a bad experience, but..." Really, I could fill a blog with "phrases commonly used to dismiss anyone who has anything negative to say about adoption" but I won't waste my time or yours reiterating that familiar drivel. We all know the phrases. We've all been told we "just had a bad experience".  We all have experience with those that dismiss because they don't like our tone. Dismiss being the key word. Phrases like "not all...", "what if...", angry, bitter, bad experience, and "can't we all

Adoption promised me a better life. A promise upon which it did not deliver. For me, and so many adoptees out there, both adult and minor, adoption is a crapshoot that didn't or isn't work(ing) out for us.  Since it is a common deflection, let's address the crapshoot that is biological family for a moment so we can establish that is not the same set of challenges once and for all. No, we do not choose who we are born to, any more than we are given a choice about being adopted. Yes, the people we are born to can be just as challenging and cruel as an abusive adopter.  Now consider for a moment, these facts on top of those inherent challenges. 1. The alteration of my identity completed at an age by which I was cognizant of my identity (i.e. Julie means me) and not old enough to understand why I was suddenly surrounded by strangers who called me by some strange name I didn't understand. 2. The alteration of my birth certificate and vital records, and the

Since so many expectant mothers seem to be so unclear on what they are giving up, let's make it loud and very very clear. In the kindest language I can use, that is. It means you lose ALL rights to your child. Since relinquishers seem to think there are exceptions to these rights they lose, let's lay it out loud and clear. Once that paper is signed, your rights to ALL OF THE FOLLOWING ARE GONE. KAPUT. FINISHED. You no longer have the right to name me, and the name you chose is meaningless. You don't have the right to be listed on my birth certificate or have a copy. Nor should you, as you have signed over your motherhood to a stranger. Nor do you have the right to an opinion on my upbringing, religion, education, social attitude, morals, values, or opinion of you. You are signing away your right for me to know the truth about you. You don't get to decide what my adopters tell me about you. And most of the time their story doesn't match yours. You no longer hav