Yeah, you heard me. I didn't stutter. Some of you are not going to BELIEVE some of the shit I've read this week. And some of you are going to be asking me, where did you find that blog? I need to follow her! Don't worry, I'll attribute the website at the end of this article. I think some of my fellow adoptees might like to take a look at it well.
The blog post is about what she refers as "trauma children". By this she specifies that she's talking about older fostered adoptees who have been traumatized by the system. But frankly, some if not all of the behaviors she twists and misconstrues to suit her victim model would apply to a lot of us, not just kids that came out of care later. Many of us have had some of these manifestations of C-PTSD. Especially those of us mistreated by our adopters. For example:
"You’re pushed away. You’re spat upon. You’re punched. You’re hit. You’re rejected. You’re lied to and lied about and often. You’re the scapegoat for all of their pain. You’ve supposedly ruined their life before you were ever in it. You’re screamed at, yelled at, and victimized."
"You know what it’s like to love the unlovable. To say yes to a call from God that no one else wants to hear or acknowledge. To take in a child of trauma. And you know what it’s like to be hated—and all but destroyed—by that child in return."
"You try to explain to your relatives what it’s really like to live with this child, but they don’t get it. No one does. Because all they see is the charm. The smiles. The public display of model behavior."
"All the world feels pity for your “innocent” child. But no one seems to care or notice that life at home with them is sheer hell."
Apparently raising a traumatized child is sheer hell. We traumatized children, we do these things just to hurt our adopters, you know. We are master manipulators, she says so herself. We are angels in public and devils sent from hell torment them at home.
" She is only SEVEN but I am already suffering from her manipulative behaviour, even through I understand she is only child: ( Sometimes, I wish I could turn clock back and never have an experience of being an adoptive parent."
We are blamed for their inability to bond with us.
"I know EXACTLY how you feel. There are times when my 9 year old adopted son clings on to me, that I am screaming inside my head “No! Not again!”. He needs me so badly and I know the expression “die to self” when I Have to hug him."
"People feel sorry for him and always tell us well “its what he has been through.” We are well aware of the theories of development but it doesn’t change the situation. Well now my sweet two birth children are getting the bad end of the deal…no one seems to care how they are being affected.....We choose to LOVE him everyday but we do not like him. He tries to hug us and cling on us all day and it feels gross. I know that sounds terrible but it is true and it really is difficult to deal with. I pray for God to give me some affection towards him if Im supposed to."
These are our adopters. These are the people raising adopted children. Many of them confess to not loving their adopted children at all, and anxiously awaiting the moment they can kick them out of their houses. One claims her adopted children broke her heart... the daughter moved in with a guy when she turned 18 and the son started smoking "weed", you see (her quotes on weed, not mine). And now, "We have given them the best of everything we have and also, the best years of our lives. We stay in prayer believing GOD is in control and knowing we must turn these children and these problems over to HIM.... I am now on an antidepressant because I have been devastated by their actions and I’m trying to hold on." Let's don't mention all the self-medicating your kids are doing.
Weirdly enough, I'm violating no privacy here. This wasn't a closed group or a private conversation. These comments are on a public blog for all see. Some of them even posted under their real names about how they don't love their adopted children, how those children are traumatizing them and making their family lives intolerable.
574 comments, to be precise. 574 adoptive mothers commented, every one of them talking about how they are the victim of their adoptees' abuse. Adoptee abuse. I've heard the phrase before, but never in this context.
" They have the relationship without the commitment (the very thing these kids reject)."
We reject commitment? WE REJECT COMMITMENT? So, let me just get this straight in my head. My inability form any kind of meaningful bonds with people, even those I love deeply and want desperately to bond with, is now being minimized down a petty attempt to take a pot shot at my adopted mother? To make sure that you know that we don't love you and you aren't our mothers?
Because let me tell you something boys and girls. These women on this blog, and the one that wrote it, sound eerily like my narcissistic, abusive adopted mother. So many of them, SO MANY, have used the "abuse" they "suffered" at the hands of their adoptees (they call us "trauma children" to make sure you can tell the difference between the biological children and the good adoptees, and the bad, "abusive" adoptees) as an excuse ostracize the "trauma children" from their lives. SO. FUCKING. MANY.
Of course there's a lot of talk about RAD and PTSD in the comment thread, but very little understanding of the diagnoses, their causes, or their solutions. The level of disdain and lack of care demonstrated toward "trauma children" all over this page is astounding and more than a little sickening. (It's taken me two days since I first read it to calm down enough to blog about it.) The "trauma children" are only mentioned in the context of the damage they cause. How needy they are, and how inconvenient that neediness is. How they cause the aparents to neglect their other (in some cases, "real" or "actual") kids. The trauma is never mentioned except as a cause of the children's manipulation and abuse. Never once does she mention or seem to consider how much pain the "trauma child" is in.
So many of these adopted, traumatized children have been cut off. Kicked out. Rehomed. Oh, wait, I'm sorry, in adoptive parent victim world, they call it, "we had to dissolve our adoption." So many of them have "caused my family so much pain and suffering that I can't even love them".
These people are clueless. The haven't got a drop of compassion in their souls. They don't seem to realize that when your adoptee is acting out and screaming at you, it's because we feel safe enough to feel that pain with you. We are pushing you away to see if you'll go. And when you do, you're just confirming everything we already thought. You didn't love us. You didn't take us in for us, you did it for you, and you're going go away just like everyone else.
These poor kids are drowning in unimaginable sorrow, and all these adopters can think about is how they're being "abused" and "manipulated" by traumatized, confused, frightened, lonely children.
At least now I have a very clear and deep understanding of how my adoptive mother turned my entire adoptive family against me. She played this card. These women, every one of them, sounds just like her with her "wounded soul" and "broken heart".
Tell me again how adoption is a beautiful thing.
http://outofshemind.com/2015/01/dear-adoptive-parents-hard-lonely-road/#comment-95182
The blog post is about what she refers as "trauma children". By this she specifies that she's talking about older fostered adoptees who have been traumatized by the system. But frankly, some if not all of the behaviors she twists and misconstrues to suit her victim model would apply to a lot of us, not just kids that came out of care later. Many of us have had some of these manifestations of C-PTSD. Especially those of us mistreated by our adopters. For example:
"You’re pushed away. You’re spat upon. You’re punched. You’re hit. You’re rejected. You’re lied to and lied about and often. You’re the scapegoat for all of their pain. You’ve supposedly ruined their life before you were ever in it. You’re screamed at, yelled at, and victimized."
"You know what it’s like to love the unlovable. To say yes to a call from God that no one else wants to hear or acknowledge. To take in a child of trauma. And you know what it’s like to be hated—and all but destroyed—by that child in return."
"You try to explain to your relatives what it’s really like to live with this child, but they don’t get it. No one does. Because all they see is the charm. The smiles. The public display of model behavior."
"All the world feels pity for your “innocent” child. But no one seems to care or notice that life at home with them is sheer hell."
Apparently raising a traumatized child is sheer hell. We traumatized children, we do these things just to hurt our adopters, you know. We are master manipulators, she says so herself. We are angels in public and devils sent from hell torment them at home.
" She is only SEVEN but I am already suffering from her manipulative behaviour, even through I understand she is only child: ( Sometimes, I wish I could turn clock back and never have an experience of being an adoptive parent."
We are blamed for their inability to bond with us.
"I know EXACTLY how you feel. There are times when my 9 year old adopted son clings on to me, that I am screaming inside my head “No! Not again!”. He needs me so badly and I know the expression “die to self” when I Have to hug him."
"People feel sorry for him and always tell us well “its what he has been through.” We are well aware of the theories of development but it doesn’t change the situation. Well now my sweet two birth children are getting the bad end of the deal…no one seems to care how they are being affected.....We choose to LOVE him everyday but we do not like him. He tries to hug us and cling on us all day and it feels gross. I know that sounds terrible but it is true and it really is difficult to deal with. I pray for God to give me some affection towards him if Im supposed to."
These are our adopters. These are the people raising adopted children. Many of them confess to not loving their adopted children at all, and anxiously awaiting the moment they can kick them out of their houses. One claims her adopted children broke her heart... the daughter moved in with a guy when she turned 18 and the son started smoking "weed", you see (her quotes on weed, not mine). And now, "We have given them the best of everything we have and also, the best years of our lives. We stay in prayer believing GOD is in control and knowing we must turn these children and these problems over to HIM.... I am now on an antidepressant because I have been devastated by their actions and I’m trying to hold on." Let's don't mention all the self-medicating your kids are doing.
Weirdly enough, I'm violating no privacy here. This wasn't a closed group or a private conversation. These comments are on a public blog for all see. Some of them even posted under their real names about how they don't love their adopted children, how those children are traumatizing them and making their family lives intolerable.
574 comments, to be precise. 574 adoptive mothers commented, every one of them talking about how they are the victim of their adoptees' abuse. Adoptee abuse. I've heard the phrase before, but never in this context.
" They have the relationship without the commitment (the very thing these kids reject)."
We reject commitment? WE REJECT COMMITMENT? So, let me just get this straight in my head. My inability form any kind of meaningful bonds with people, even those I love deeply and want desperately to bond with, is now being minimized down a petty attempt to take a pot shot at my adopted mother? To make sure that you know that we don't love you and you aren't our mothers?
Because let me tell you something boys and girls. These women on this blog, and the one that wrote it, sound eerily like my narcissistic, abusive adopted mother. So many of them, SO MANY, have used the "abuse" they "suffered" at the hands of their adoptees (they call us "trauma children" to make sure you can tell the difference between the biological children and the good adoptees, and the bad, "abusive" adoptees) as an excuse ostracize the "trauma children" from their lives. SO. FUCKING. MANY.
Of course there's a lot of talk about RAD and PTSD in the comment thread, but very little understanding of the diagnoses, their causes, or their solutions. The level of disdain and lack of care demonstrated toward "trauma children" all over this page is astounding and more than a little sickening. (It's taken me two days since I first read it to calm down enough to blog about it.) The "trauma children" are only mentioned in the context of the damage they cause. How needy they are, and how inconvenient that neediness is. How they cause the aparents to neglect their other (in some cases, "real" or "actual") kids. The trauma is never mentioned except as a cause of the children's manipulation and abuse. Never once does she mention or seem to consider how much pain the "trauma child" is in.
So many of these adopted, traumatized children have been cut off. Kicked out. Rehomed. Oh, wait, I'm sorry, in adoptive parent victim world, they call it, "we had to dissolve our adoption." So many of them have "caused my family so much pain and suffering that I can't even love them".
These people are clueless. The haven't got a drop of compassion in their souls. They don't seem to realize that when your adoptee is acting out and screaming at you, it's because we feel safe enough to feel that pain with you. We are pushing you away to see if you'll go. And when you do, you're just confirming everything we already thought. You didn't love us. You didn't take us in for us, you did it for you, and you're going go away just like everyone else.
These poor kids are drowning in unimaginable sorrow, and all these adopters can think about is how they're being "abused" and "manipulated" by traumatized, confused, frightened, lonely children.
At least now I have a very clear and deep understanding of how my adoptive mother turned my entire adoptive family against me. She played this card. These women, every one of them, sounds just like her with her "wounded soul" and "broken heart".
Tell me again how adoption is a beautiful thing.
http://outofshemind.com/2015/01/dear-adoptive-parents-hard-lonely-road/#comment-95182
Thank you. !
ReplyDeletehttp://MirahRiben.blogspot.com
The root of this problem is religiously based gender bias that sets the male as the head of any household. This deification of a male headed two parent family deprives pregnant women and single mother of the stigma-free socioeconomic assistance they need. For the most part, the artificial social construct of adoption results from anti-woman gender bias.
ReplyDeleteIt's women that are DOING THIS! It's the woman that wants the baby. It's the woman that makes the call to the agency. It's the woman that builds a coercive relationship with the mother. It's WOMEN that are victimizing other women.
DeleteWhat a bunch of baloney. And just another way to sidestep responsibility! Along with rights comes responsibilities. Including responsibility for one's own choices and decisions. Religiosity, religious dogma and/or gender bias may have accounted IN PART for adoption 50 or 60 years ago, but not in the past 40 years. While we may still have earning gaps between genders, women are and have been able to support themselves, own property, get credit on their own for decades now. Social support systems are in place to help young mothers. Two parent households clearly are not a 'requirement' since many women adopting today ARE SINGLE. Add to the adopting pool gay parents and we can see religion has far less to do with adoption today than in once did.
DeleteI know. I had my daughter weeks after turning 17. Put myself through college with no help from or contact with my parents. Bought homes on my own. Purchased cars using credit. My daughter is 41.
Stop hiding behind so called "problems" from 60 years ago. As Mom of 5 stated, almost all adoption is driven by women seeking babies from other women. Women victimizing other women.
This is true. However International adoption is spearheaded by some wealthy, Evangelical groups. I call it 'The Gospel According to Adoption'. The Industry hooks them with these lines:
Delete-- Adoption is the Gospel in flesh and blood (where did Jesus go? Oh yeah he is an 'adoptee' now)
-- Adoption is central to who god is.
-- God has adopted us as children too.
-- Esther, Moses, and Jesus were adopted. Adoption: Plan B or god's plan?
-- Moses' mother 'made an adoption plan' when she placed him in the Nile river in a basket.
I saved the best for last:
-- My friends, adoption is redemption. It's costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives cost so much. When god set out to redeem us, it killed him.
Hahahahaha. I can't help it. Yes adoption is outrageous. If the Industry is advertising to these groups then they are consumers.
I hope my laughter at the 'adoption is expensive' quote didn't come across as me disrespecting anyone's religious beliefs. I am laughing at how obvious the Industry's superficial attempts to manipulate consumers are. In a paraphrase of the ''adoption is expensive" quote I hear the Industry saying to consumers, " I know that asking for $50,000 for a baby sounds expensive. Given how badly you want to save one we could have asked for more. You don't realize how lucky you actually are. We could have asked for your death on a cross instead." They play all three triad members. Having a good laugh at their expense feels refreshing. Disempower them.
DeleteI had the other kind of adoptive parents. The good kind. Even though they were handed damaged goods in the form of their first child, a son, they never played the victim card. Even when he threatened their lives, destroyed so many things, embarrassed them, hurt others (including me), and was an all-consuming psychopath, they never called him anything other than their son.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure Dad would have cringed at reading the blog in question. He always said, "You deal with what you get." No complaining. He tried to help my asshole brother his entire life, but nothing could really help him. Unfortunately, we were all the collateral damage.
All this to say, there are others. There are those who had raging, wounded children who truly suffered at their hands, and you will never hear of them. These drama-seeking adopters can go to hell.
I wonder if/how much the damage your brother experienced was due to adoption. Having worked in a mental health residential program, I learned that some folks just are not as resilient as others. Some of us are able to transcend abuse and suffering. Others lives are practically destroyed by it.
DeleteIn my opinion these "drama seeking adopters" as Elle calls them are the people who think adopting children is some kind of religious calling. "Look at me God, I'm taking in one of your lost and unlovable". They expect to be rewarded by God, and for their child to appreciate their great act of kindness towards them and get up each day and thank them for what they did. What I find most offensive with these types of commentaries is the adoptive parent's use of the term "adopted daughter" or "adopted son". My child is my daughter, not my adopted child. When people are desperately trying to figure out why my kid is black and I'm not, I might feel the need to mention adoption. Otherwise she is my child, not my adopted child. My sister has 3 "biological" children. One with autism and schizophrenia. At times their family life, and the lives of all of the children, was very difficult. He has never been "blamed" for this. And my sister didn't have the option of "dissolving" her biological relationship with him.
ReplyDeleteThose people make me want to scream. Notice how nearly every one of them "leaves it to God?" ANYONE who says they are seeking to adopt because of "a call from God" should be disqualified. These are the people who expect gratitude for their "sacrifice," and are rarely qualified to parent anyone who's lived through trauma. At the very least, they should be subject to intense scrutiny and training before being approved to adopt. I know too many stories of adoptees raised in intensely religious homes who have died from depression, overdoses, etc. - because no one helped them heal. It's heartbreaking. I have two daughters, one of whom had attachment problems as a child. She challenged us, and I probably failed a fair share over the years - but I did and still love her fiercely, and if nothing else, she knows that. She is an amazing young woman whom I am proud to call my daughter. I'm so sad for those children who have never been allowed to grieve, who sensed their adoptive parents' lack of compassion and love, who'd never been given a reason to love themselves and no one in their lives to help them change that perception. I wish our system was more effective, and that we, as human beings, did a better job of caring for each other.
ReplyDeleteWow, your attempt to understand and empathize with our world is refreshing. Thank you.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI can't even... I just...
ReplyDeleteI read the comments to that article and I'm just freaking horrified. Are these assholes for real? Are they actually blaming small children?
Be a fucking adult, and if you can't handle the challenges of adoption/foster care, then don't torment children. They are CHILDREN, whom have been harmed by God knows what, are also dealing with being yanked away from their homes, even if those homes weren't awesome.
Bullshit. So much bullshit rage.
😲 ouch!!!! This is insane. Had similar situation where family plays the victim to adoptive children's misbehavior. Its horrible. At least let the kid have their pain but no they still deny it exists. And they are so called religious. I never heard of truly religious people who think their child has to make them feel better about themselves and denies the child's right to their own feelings. Aaarghhh twisted world.
ReplyDelete