Poor Mistreated Adopters Part 2

She wrote another one. Indeed she did. This time she speaks at length about us, and how we "trauma children" deliberately set out to manipulate, lie, "triangulate", and scapegoat our way into our adopters' marriages. Drive wedges. Try to destroy their lives.

" Seems no relationship is untouched by the havoc wreaked incessantly by the trauma exploding and oozing from some adopted children."

Yes, we ooze havoc. We do it on purpose, you know. We love the idea of destroying your life. We are thrilled to alienate your friends and family. Nothing gives us greater pleasure than destroying families. We've been doing it since birth, you see? The evil manipulation is baked right in, right??

" little more than eight years ago, God dropped adoption into our lives. And very long story short, within a year we went from being a typical family with three little blonde kids to a transracial adoptive family of eight. "

That, my dear, sounds like a personal problem. The inability to say no? Need for the shiny good guy badges for your precious tv show? Or is it the $13,000 a head stipend you receive for adopting?

" Short of me actually getting arrested and going to jail, anything and everything of hell that could happen to parents of a child of trauma did. Darkness. Pain. Attacks. Rages. Violence. Panic. Running away. Police calls. False accusations. Threats. Therapists. Psychiatric interventions."

Now at first when I read this, I thought this was just normal adoptee acting out. Safe place work, you know? But I've read several blogs and articles by this woman, and I'm starting to wonder if she is triggering these children. Read on.

" the co-captains formerly firmly at the helm were falling overboard and drowning in the sea of rages and trauma. "

Oh, poor us. We're so oppressed by our children.

" I suffered a moderate bout of post-adoption depression, "

I'm sorry, WHAT??? Are you trying imply that adopting a child (or, in your case, eight) made you depressed?? That makes me think you are thoroughly mistaken about your "calling". If following the path "god called you to follow" causes you mental illness, perhaps you've made a mistake about what you think he's "telling" you to do.

Also, to imply that post-adoption depression is in any way similar to post-partem depression isn't even something a human would do. However, since I'm beginning doubt that this woman is anywhere close to a regular human, it doesn't surprise me that she does it. 

If adopting a child depresses you, don't adopt one. Post adoption depression is a construct by narcissistic adoptive mothers to try to legitimize their maternity in parental circles. I have not seen ONE SINGLE ACCREDITED SCIENTIFIC STUDY to back these claims, and I've been looking. Hard. 

" Yes, he witnessed much of the horror. But the bulk of the burden was on me as the mom. The intensity of the pain was on me as the nurturer. The disappointment. The embarrassment. The fear. The shame. On me. And no matter how much I talked, there was no way Kirk could ever possibly understand what that truly feels like."

Of course, the poor, persecuted adoptive mom. Abused by her horrible, manipulating "trauma children". Unable to paint the pretty face and wear the shiny shiny badge because those damned  adoptees just won't behave.

" And therein lay the first opening for our troubled child to divide and conquer. "

Yes. That is the intent. I, as a traumatized child, take delight in pissing you off, then reveling in your anger. I want to destroy your relationship with your husband, evil adopter, "because you said YES". I love conflict. I love screaming matches. I love the fear I feel when you fight with my dad, evil adopter. Lord knows I mean to foster and plant these things. You know I can't stand peace, quiet, and happiness. I reject those things along with commitment, don't I? Love the chaos and conflict, we "trauma children", indeed we do.

" our moderately strong marriage began to suffer the very real effects of parenting a child of trauma. As is often the case, I (the adoptive mom), bore the brunt of the mistreatment and abuse. No matter which birth parent caused the most pain for the adopted child, the adoptive mom tends to have the target on her back far more often than the adoptive father."

There's the victim mommy again. The one that blames the children when she loses it. The one who thinks I'm abusing her because I can't bond with her and I subliminally miss my mother. The poor, abused, adoptive mommy with her post adoptive depression and being victimized by my misery. Do you want some more sympathy points? You could really get a load if you have your old man punch your face and claim I did it. The state might even let you "dissolve" your adoption of me.

"There’s just something about that primal wound that doesn’t heal so quickly or easily, so the adoptive mom is the enemy."

NO SHIT. REALLY? Did you figure that one out all by yourself, or did you have help??? OF COURSE "THAT PRIMAL WOUND" DOESN'T HEAL QUICKLY OR EASILY. It's absolutely moronic to think that five, or ten, or twenty years of denial and false nurture is going to come anywhere near the surface of that infected wound. 

" finally began to understand that our child was the master of manipulators. That they had seen a weak spot in our marriage and inserted themselves right in it."

Yes,  are master manipulators. Not frightened, sad children. We aren't looking for comfort from your screaming rage at our behavior when run to dad, we are trying steal your husband and play him against you. Healthy outlook of a female so jealous over her man she can't even allow her kids to have independent relationships with him. Especially the traumatized adoptees. They aren't really his, and they don't need to cozy up to him to escape your wrath. No, the manipulative adoptees don't deserve a safe harbor from your storm. Don't deserve a hug from YOUR HUSBAND at the end of the day when you've been going at them all day and you've "had enough", HOW DARE THEY SEEK COMFORT???

" He started to come to my defense and stand up to our child, refusing to allow them to come between us and even very directly telling this child that “we are ONE. What Mom thinks, I think. What hurts her, hurts me. We agree on things. You will NOT abuse her and try to cozy up to me. We are ONE unit.” This was the infamous triangulation."

Oh, good, you got him onto your side. That's fantastic. You've taken any comfort I had, and placed yourselves as a hostile wall against me. I'm so pleased you managed to convince my "dad" that all of your problems, all your marital problems, and all the problems your other children have, are my fault.

" Eventually we sought residential therapy for our child, and our family was able to heal for a year or so, welcome a new baby (Thank you, JESUS, for such timely gifts!), and move to a new-to-us home. A fresh start. A relationship reset. A needed respite."

Have to get a vacay from my abusive child. I'm going to stay here in my lovely home (which is comfortable now that you aren't it anymore), and I'm going to breathe a sigh of relief. In the mean time, I've locked you in inpatient care, where (as everyone is well aware) the care and treatment of patients, especially teen patients, is questionable at best. But my pregnant ass needed a break from you, you abusive little adopted jerk. And it's blissful and restful having you gone.

" after the child returned home. Much improved, but still very trying. A year later, we adopted yet again. This time a child from a disruption. More trauma came into our home. "

Well, it's going so well with the traumatized child that I locked up, that I think I'll screw with another poor kid's sense of self and safety.

And that goes SO WELL that we all  end up seeking family therapy.

" We just needed someone to look at us, two people in a marriage trying to recover from battle fatigue, and give us hope, to remind us that we are in this together, to help us remember that God has called the both of us to this ministry, that we have been “set apart” and marked for this. We desperately wanted someone to come alongside us as we tried to recover from the years on the battlefield."

We REALLY needed that good guy badge. That pat on the back. We needed hear that we are saints for taking in these EIGHT adoptees, and treating them so well that we had to put one in inpatient. What we really needed was to be reminded how very special and self-sacrificial we are in god's sight. 

"But that ain’t what we got, folks. Instead, we got a “professional’s” opinion that we just plain had too many kids. That there was no way in our situation we could ever have quality time together. That we both signed up for this. And now since we made our bed, we were just going to have to lie in it. It felt like the equivalent of counseling a soldier home from a long deployment and associated PTSD and telling them, “Well, that’s just too bad. You are the one who volunteered to join the Army.”  (Yeah, that therapist totally sucked.)"

Actually, the therapist didn't suck. You do. He was right. You stretched yourself too thin and are now unable to provide your neediest children with proper support. But since you're "called by god" to take all these children in, it's got to be the children's faults that you can't handle it all, right?

" Because you can’t leave your spouse when you’re the keynote speaker at a conference and the topic is perseverance. And you can’t move out when cameras are fairly regular presences in your home. "

Yeah, We wouldn't want to lose face. It's impressive that the motivator to stay with her family was the cameras, and the embarrassment incurred if their marriage melted down in front of them.

" It’s not Heidi against Kirk, for “our struggle is not against flesh and blood [i.e. against our spouses], but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Ephesians 6:12)."

It's not husband against wife, it's husband, wife, and good, well adjusted children against the evil, awful, traumatized, abusive adoptees.

" Kirk and I could (and are planning to) write a whole book on how marriages can survive raising “trauma children.” .... Plus, based on theprevious blog post response, there seems to be a market for it, right?) "

Well, if there's an opportunity to make a profit off it, and exploit these abusive little adoptees at the same time, all the better! At least they proved of some use to the family.

" Whether you’re still in the process or already home with your adopted child, it is vital that you get your armor on and are prepared for the attacks against your marriage."

Make sure your guard is up. It's not like we can tell when you're protecting yourself from us. It's not as though we adoptees can sense your detachment, and it isn't like that makes us build the wall higher to keep you out. Some dazzling good advice in this Heidi woman's column.

To quote the husband on the subject of the horrible manipulative adoptees:
" "Satan will use this weakness and exploit the literal hell out of it for his own sick glory. Only Satan can use a very troubled child with a very traumatized past as some sort of ‘infectious agent’ that can infiltrate what you once held dear and valuable and completely flip it on its head.”"

Wow, tools of Satan and infectious agents. We are special and loved in your care. How about adopting a ninth?

The husband again:
" "In the context where an adopted child is inflicting massive amounts of torment in the home, most of which might be directed solely at your spouse, this is NOT the time to be questioning or judging your spouse’s behavior. You might see a certain level of ‘ugly’ in your spouse that only a terrorizing child can awaken. When (not if) you see this, it is time to stand in the gap on behalf of your spouse.” "

Yes, screw the child. The child doesn't need your protection or care from the desperate attempts of your wife to force conformity onto it. The fully grown woman needs your protection from the 13 year old that called her a bitch. Oh, horror of horrors, is mommy's delicate baby soul wounded? Better have daddy stand in, so she doesn't have hear the "b-word" anymore! We might have to Baker Act her if the kid calls her anything stronger, now. Let's make sure to practice the appropriate amount of intimidation against this "trauma child" to force it to conform!

"You fell in love with this person. You love this person’s core. Remember that. Don’t let a trauma child change that."

In fact, let's not be kind or loving to the trauma child at all. All it does is abuse us and try destroy our marriage, friendships, church relationships, families, and lives.

" Kids of trauma will often turn on the charm for one parent (usually the father) while unleashing a hailstorm on the other (usually the mother). Believe your spouse’s stories."

Yes, and discount everything the child days. There's no way YOUR precious wife could be mistreating the child that's "abusing her". 

" Kirk: “Traumatized children find great satisfaction in pitting one spouse against the other (that Infamous Triangulation). "

Yeah, that's A LOT of fun. Nothing thrills me more than screaming, yelling, throwing stuff conflict. I love the fighting. It doesn't set off my ptsd at all. It doesn't scare me to the point that I start wetting my pants or losing my hair.

"You simply cannot allow and foster this sick and twisted and manipulative bond at the expense of your spouse. ... Kids of trauma are often very shrewd and will not miss an opportunity to insert themselves directly in the middle of you two. Your bullying child needs to hear from your mouth that you will not tolerate being ‘favored’ while they insist on terrorizing your spouse.”"

... tolerate being favored? Terrorizing your spouse? Sick, twisted, manipulative bond?.... umm, are you trying to mess these kids up extra? I put myself out there to try to bond with dad because mom is psycho, and I get told he won't allow me to love him because he never screams at me? Ok "dad". Guess I see where I rank in this family. "Dad". HA.

" Men specifically, it is SO important for you to understand that the way your wife is responding to the pressure and pain of raising a child a trauma is NOT JUST HER. She is not some crazy, psycho bitch, though at times you’ll want to call her that. She’s not some weakling who can’t hack it. And she’s definitely not some poor deluded soul. No, she is reacting the way thousands of moms react to such very real burdens and trauma."

Never Never Never take your child's word that we are being mistreated by our mothers. Never Never Never believe any allegations but your wife's. Never Never EVER assume that your child is telling the truth, or that your perfect, sainted, abused-by-her-own children wife could be guilty of any kind of misconduct.

" But more harm than good will be done if that professional does not support your calling to adopt. They need to wholly understand that this is a call from God, that it is ministry. If you get the impression that the therapist questions your decision in the first place or does not realize that God calls us to difficult roads oftentimes, then fire them"

Yes. Only EVER listen to therapists who tell what you want to hear. The ones that tell the truth and make you think... well, those guys are just stupid.

" Do not EVER EVER EVER disagree with your spouse in front of your trauma child. ... Your trauma child sees ANY tiny disagreement as a win for them."

Again, so much conflict, and I LOVE IT!!! NOTHING gives me more pleasure than the panic, anxiety, nausea, vomiting, and inability to control my bladder that comes along with conflict. I, the traumatized child, LOVE pissing in my pants!! Bring on the screaming and disagreements, they fill me with SO MUCH JOY!!! I win! I feel like I'm going puke and pass out, and I'll definitely be crying myself to sleep tonight, and I WIN, BITCHES!!!!

" It’s an opening for them to enter what they see as a crack and then work to divide."

Yes, because I want you split and disrupt the home I'm not even comfortable in. I don't have any safety, why the hell should you? It's not like you're protecting me. You're too busy protecting yourselves FROM me.

" If your wife thinks your troubled child deserves a consequence, but you do not, I would suggest taking the wife’s lead on this. Any time it looks like you are “siding” with the child over your spouse is a potentially huge problem. "

Definitely always listen to the woman who claims she's being abused by her children. She won't steer you wrong on the crimes and appropriate punishments for your manipulative little jerk of an adoptee.

" I’m always stunned by the ability of kids of trauma to manipulate others with their charm and lies. And I’m even more stunned when that deception works on a spouse."

" Be smarter than your child. It is their goal to manipulate you. It has to be your goal to not buy it."

" Do not escape into work, a hobby, a relationship, or anything else that will take you away from your spouse time-wise, mentally, or emotionally any more than you already are."

" Don’t judge your spouse’s thoughts, feelings, or reactions, even if you think they are wrong. "

" If Satan can use this calling from God, this most difficult adoption, to turn the two of you against each other, he’s well on his way to winning the battle over your marriage andyour child. "

Sounds like he's already won over her. She really didn't get hit with the smart stick or the compassion stick when she feel out of the god-called-me-tree, did she?

I've been wondering about this woman's poor children, being raised in a house with this kind of animosity and venom. I worry about the mentality of a child who's called "abusuve, manipulative, and twisted".

I worry about every child adopted out. So many needy, greedy, narcissistic women who "want a child".... are ANY of them capable of "being a mother"?

Mine wasn't. This one isn't. The thousands of people praising this woman and singing her song aren't. Is anyone out there looking to steal someone else's child really capable of being a mother? I sadly don't think so.

Sorry for the length, Gentle Reader, and thanks again for your time.

http://outofshemind.com/2015/01/marriage-in-the-trenches/