The Ungrateful Adoptee

1. Adoption isn't brave. It's the easy way out of being a parent. 2. Adoption isn't love. It's predicated in loss and trauma to a child. 3. The only guarantee in adoption is loss. 4. The child will lose its entire family, history, and genealogy in one day. 5. Adoption doesn't guarantee a better life. Just a different one. 6. An adoptive mother will never be a suitable substitute for a real mother. 7. The truly brave and loving choice is to parent your child. 8. Adoptees are 4x as likely to attempt suicide as non adoptees. 9. Adoptees are 50% more likely to be abused than non adoptees. 10. Adoptees are 30% more represented in juvenile detention and inpatient mental health facilities. 11. In order for one family to be "built through adoption", another family must be destroyed. 12. No one has ever been "called by god" to adopt. The bible does not sanction adoption. 13. Adoption does not equal love. Adoption equals relinquishm

Does this strike you as appropriate? The balloons and confetti? Like it's a smash-bang blowout. Happy "all hope of ever reuniting with or playing a meaningful part in your real family" day. Happy "ha ha I win I snatched you when no one was looking" day. Even "adoption day" is no better. Happy "day I legally took a child to raise as my own" day. Happy "day a piece of paper severed you from your family and made you 'mine'" day. This may be a cause to celebrate for you. Naturally. Everyone claims the adoption process is such hard work, (I don't really see how a bunch of cleaning, talking, writing, thinking, and waiting is such hard work, but I'm a writer) and after it's over and they hand off that traumatized little person to you, you're so happy you could twirl. The adoptee is not. Especially if you are an infant adopter. That child knows where it came from and where it belongs. And it isn't wi

I'm curious, how do you expect to raise an adoptee when you can't even handle talking to one online? Really. Riddle me this, because I want to know. Let's say, for sake of argument, I put forth the theory that an AP feels more bonded to their adoptee than the adoptee feels to them. I suggest that it's possible that, as most of us do, the adoptee is afraid to share any unhappiness they may feel. That they are subverting that unhappiness to soothe the AP. Adoptees are notorious people pleasers and often do live in terror of displeasing APs. I suggest that, when asked, an adoptee is likely to lie about their detachment, so as not to disappoint the AP and out of fear of rejection. Some APs take advantage of his level of depth and openness to examine their own families and consider ways ways to solidify their attachments to their adoptees. Fragile APs will insist they know how their children feel. "MY child is bonded with ME," they'll say. "I

To quote Phoebe Buffay on "Friends", right after she found out her mother wasn't her biological mother, "Let me see. I was born, then everyone started lying their asses off!" I know I'm not the only adoptee who's felt this. And I know I'm not the only one who was gaslighted. In fact, I think it's probably very rare that any of us wasn't gaslighted in some way. I used to think I was lucky. That's what everyone always said. I didn't feel lucky, but I thought I was supposed to be, so I convinced myself that my own guts were lying to me. I became lucky in spite of myself.  I thanked my amother for adopting me. More than once. She needed to hear it frequently. I had to reassure her that I was grateful, that I needed her, that my life would have been incomplete without her. Not all amothers are that needy, that's for certain. But most I've spoken to have definitive preconceptions about what we do or should feel. Most of u

Dear adoption, Because of you I was not allowed to be human. Humans are allowed to make mistakes. To be imperfect. To have feelings that aren't happiness and gratitude. Humans are allowed to be sad. Humans are allowed to get dirty and sick. Humans are allowed be afraid. I was never allowed any of those things. I was "the perfect baby". That's what the adopters call us, right? Perfect babies. The right children. The baby they've been wishing for. We've waited so long. Been so disappointed. Drowned in miles of heartache. But now have our perfect child. The right child. The one we've been waiting for. The baby who makes our family exist, fills the holes in our souls, and cures our infertility. Now we can build our beautiful life with our perfect child. Adoption, that's a lot of pressure to place on the head of a little person whose skull hasn't even solidified yet. You made me into a doll. A cabbage patch kid, with their blank, staring eyes.

{AKA The Commandeering of the Biological Imperative} Failed adoption is typically defined as an adoption plan that has been cancelled because the relinquishing mother of a newborn changes her mind and decides to parent. When the HAPs waste their time, money, and emotion getting invested in "their birth mother" (I.e. the child's mother) and her unborn child. Picking out names. Buying baby clothes. Outfitting nurseries. Traveling. Visiting. "Bonding". All this done, mind you, before the child is born, much less before any papers are signed or custody relinquished. The HAPs begin to look upon the fetus in another woman's womb as quite their own. Many refer to these women as "our birthmother" and the fetus as "our child". Their lawyers and agencies are advising this coercion. "Get to know [your birth mother], establish a relationship. She will be more likely to relinquish when the time comes." In other words, "Establish a

In this day and age, there is no reason not to know who your child's biological parents are. Find them. Keep track of them. Gather information on them and keep it for me. Do NOT make me wait until 18, unless I'm ok with that, or there's no other option. For some of us, by the time we're 18 the damage is done. Do NOT make me feel guilty for wondering. Do not show me your insecurity at my needs. If my needs and desires cause you pain, reframe your expectations as my parent so that you can emotionally handle what I'm handling. Your guilt and insecurities are a burden I should not have to bear. Do not treat me any different than your biological children. Do not expect me to fulfill your need to be a parent. Don't expect me to be the magical, mystical child you "always wanted". I am not a unicorn, I'm not perfect, and I'm not a gift. I am a person with a history and a family wholly unconnected with you. Remember that. Do not expect me to be