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Adoptive Parent Fragility

I'm curious, how do you expect to raise an adoptee when you can't even handle talking to one online?

Really. Riddle me this, because I want to know. Let's say, for sake of argument, I put forth the theory that an AP feels more bonded to their adoptee than the adoptee feels to them. I suggest that it's possible that, as most of us do, the adoptee is afraid to share any unhappiness they may feel. That they are subverting that unhappiness to soothe the AP. Adoptees are notorious people pleasers and often do live in terror of displeasing APs. I suggest that, when asked, an adoptee is likely to lie about their detachment, so as not to disappoint the AP and out of fear of rejection.

Some APs take advantage of his level of depth and openness to examine their own families and consider ways ways to solidify their attachments to their adoptees.

Fragile APs will insist they know how their children feel. "MY child is bonded with ME," they'll say. "I can FEEL it."
"You don't know what MY relationship is with MY kid."
"That won't happen in MY family."
"#notall adoptees are the same."
"You don't speak for everyone."
"You could reach people a lot better if you would watch your tone."

"If you could just be nicer."

More like: "I need you to put rubber baby bumpers on the corners of the truth, so I don't hurt myself when I trip on it. You see, I'm too busy walking around with my head up my ass to watch where I'm going."

ADOPTIVE PARENTS LISTEN TO ME NOW. Adoption is NOT about you. It never was. Your feelings aren't the ones that matter. Your wounds at my truth aren't worth my concern. When you lose your entire family in one day and spend the rest of your life under a false identity, then we can talk about how the adoptee reality is so damaging to you.

Here's something you should really consider. Your own culpability in the triad. No relinquishing mother knocked on your door, "hey, I've got this kid I don't want. This looks like a nice house and you're pretty. Want it?" For whatever reason you decided to do whatever it took to get a child into your family. You wanted us, or so you claimed. And for whatever reason the state or the agency decided to give you one or more.

Now it's time for you to do your part. Be a goddamn parent. Do what we do with our biological children and put your own shit aside. Tuck your delicate little feelings back in your pants and do what you need to do. Learn what you need to learn. When my son's counselor tells me I need to modify my parenting style to better suit his needs, I don't get huffy or throw her a shit attitude. I don't assume she's attacking me or my parenting. I don't get angry, call her mental, accuse her of trying to stir up trouble, or of being dramatic about what might be wrong with my son. I assume she has his best interests at heart. I assume she's giving me her informed opinion based on the information she has.

You have chosen a particularly problematic parenting situation. You decided that you wanted to adopt. Adoption is based in trauma and loss to the child. And the VERY least you can do is listen when an adult of this trauma attempts to share their experience. You owe us your respect. That's right, I said owe. Your children will grow up to be us, in many cases, because you had to have that baby. Many babies that probably could have been saved from adoption had different measures been taken.

This is not an invitation for you to explain to me how your situation is different. Your child couldn't stay with its bios. Of course. You're ALL the exception to any general rule that doesn't feed into the agenda that YOU are OBVIOUSLY the BEST CHOICE to parent YOUR CHILD.

You want to be the "obvious, best choice"? Listen to adult adoptees. Don't accuse us of being dramatic or hurtful when we tell you that an adoption day party is abhorrent, and ask why you would want to celebrate that level of trauma. Don't tell me that you could accept my perspective on the subject better if I say, "I'm sorry, good Madame, but I believe an adoption party might be ever so slightly traumatic. Perhaps a quiet dinner at home to celebrate your child's loss instead."

You don't have the option of telling me in what tone to address you. Just like I don't get to tell you to tuck your mudslinging, accusatory, disparaging-my-mental-state dismissal back in your pants. You have the right to be as vile and foul as you want when I accidentally offend your tender sensibilities, and I have the right to be as blunt and honest about my experience as I wish to be. Here's a good general rule. If you don't want the answers, don't ask the question in a mixed group.

I'll be frank. I will be honest. Only honest. I will only use my words. I will tell you what I think. I will not validate you and pat you on the head. I will not "be nice". I will let you know when you're doing something good, and when I think you're screwing it up. And I don't give a fuck if you like my tone or not. You know how to work a block button. Just keep in mind the resources you cut yourself off from when you silence adult adoptees Because you don't like the tone of their posts. 

That's on you. Have a good relationship or a shit one with your adoptees. You decide, because I officially don't give a fuck anymore.

Hear and heed, maybe grow. 
Ignore and defend, definitely stagnate. 

Your damn choice.


  1. Oh yeah. One of my young bio cousins was posting on face book about wanting to adopt. I looked up her address and sent her a letter telling her how it feels, for me, being adopted.

    I've met the family, and been rejected because of my pain, and now they want to adopt? When they cannot handle the adoption in their family already?

    If you can't stand the heat, stay the freak out of the kitchen! Don't buy people, unless you are going to be honest about what you've done.

    And, don't give away your children unless you're willing to answer to them one day. We have a funny habit of turning up when you least expect it, and we are not babies anymore.

  2. I love this post. Too many times the child is quilted for being afoptef. My own 2 sons were ripped away from me because someone wanted my baby. They couldn't justify just taking my baby so cups stole them both. Both had horrible adoptions. Especially my youngest, who, for the last 2 years he was with his shirt ap's was forced to live on their back porch. In winter in Colorado even when he had pneumonia. Thank god I found them both. My oldest has issues he refuses to talk about or confront. My youngest talks a lot and has a lot if anger and pain to work through. He doesn't talk to the ones that got him stolen at all. Your part about false identity is spot on. How dare the government issue falsified "birth certificates" should be illegal.


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