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101 Facts That Prove Adoption Isn't "BraveLove"

1. Adoption isn't brave. It's the easy way out of being a parent.

2. Adoption isn't love. It's predicated in loss and trauma to a child.

3. The only guarantee in adoption is loss.

4. The child will lose its entire family, history, and genealogy in one day.

5. Adoption doesn't guarantee a better life. Just a different one.

6. An adoptive mother will never be a suitable substitute for a real mother.

7. The truly brave and loving choice is to parent your child.

8. Adoptees are 4x as likely to attempt suicide as non adoptees.

9. Adoptees are 50% more likely to be abused than non adoptees.

10. Adoptees are 30% more represented in juvenile detention and inpatient mental health facilities.

11. In order for one family to be "built through adoption", another family must be destroyed.

12. No one has ever been "called by god" to adopt. The bible does not sanction adoption.

13. Adoption does not equal love. Adoption equals relinquishment.

14. Adoptive Parent happiness equals adoptee trauma.

15. Adoption teaches "the greatest act of love" is abandonment.

16. Adoptees are unlikely to be able to form deep, trusting relationships.

17. Adoptees often suffer from C-PTSD, caused by developmental trauma.

18. Many relinquishing mothers are coerced into signing (I.e. "living expenses provided", "close contact with adoptive family").

19. Most open adoptions are closed within the first year after finalization.

20. Most relinquishing mothers are left alone in the shadows to grieve.

21. Most APs balk at contact with biological family members, claiming danger or unsuitability.

22. The child's name, ss#, and birth certificate will be changed/falsified.

23. In most states, the child's real identity will be sealed in a file and they will need a court order to access it.

24. The child will never have a meaningful role in their biological family. This is immeasurably painful to some.

25. The child will often wonder about its mother, and why it wasn't good enough for her.

26. The child will often wonder about its father, and why it was expendable to him.

27. Most adoptees never truly fit in anywhere. Most end up isolated, ostracized, and lonely.

28. Most adoptees are never really a part of their adoptive family, and aren't allowed to be part of their biological family. Trapped between two worlds, living in neither.

29. Many adoptees are disowned as soon as their adopters die, left out of obituaries, wills, and often not even informed of their deaths.

30. Adoption paints itself as beautiful, loving families opening their homes to lucky, smiling children. Most of these idyllic homes cease to be so pretty once housing a traumatized, frightened child.

31. Birth mothers are painted as happily relinquishing babies to happy happy adopters. The photos the agencies don't show you are the first morning she wakes up alone, wrung out from birth, and realizes what she's done.

32. Most adoption agencies bank over $20,000 for "placement" of a child. Some adoptions run as much as $60,000.

33. Adoption is not a treatment for infertility.

34. Longing for a child does not equal the capability to care for one.

35. Adoption is a heartless, money-driven machine. Children are its marketable commodities.

36. No child is "chosen". Adopters will take whichever one(s) they can get.

37. In 2016, there were over 150,000 adoptions in the US. 18,000+ of those were newborn adoptions. (As compared to 200+ newborn adoptions in Ireland, and 74 in Australia.)

38. 10% of adoptions of children under 3 are "dissolved". That number rises to 25% in older children and teens. "Dissolving", "disrupting", and "rehoming" all refer to "un-adopting" an adoptee. Relinquishing a child one has adopted because it doesn't suit one for whatever reason.

39. Most homes that "disrupt" are the same homes that are "called by god to adopt".

40. Most adopters will promise judges, counselors, and parents "whatever they want to hear", but once the adoption is finalized, they can and will "do whatever they want ". (Quoted from MANY adopters in MANY discussion groups.) 

41. There is no legal way to enforce an open adoption. If adopters decide They want to close it for any reason, they can.

42. Pre-birth matching is a form of coercion. It is designed to make a prospective relinquishing mother feel an emotional connection and obligation to adopters.

43. Adoption agencies will tell a prospective relinquishing mother anything and everything to get access to her baby, including threats of lawsuits and CPS involvement if she changes her mind. Agencies and adopters have called CPS on relinquishing mothers who decided to parent, in some cases succeeding in getting the children removed for the adopters.

44. Children are stripped of their humanity and commoditized through adoption.

45. The severing of the mother/infant bond can be fatal to the child. At the very least, the baby will become despondent and go into survival mode.

46. Adoptees live in a constant state of red alert. They are always in fight, flight, or freeze mode. This is caused by developmental trauma and PTSD.

47. Most adopters accept the premise of developmental trauma, but many still doggedly deny that it could affect "their child".

48.  Adoptees often live in mortal terror of displeasing their adopters and being "sent back", a very real threat for many. (See #38)

49. An adoptee may form an attachment to their adopters to survive, but they will never bond with them the way they do their biological family.

50. Most adopters have lost sight of the fact that adoption doesn't exist to fulfill their needs, but the needs of a child without a family.

51. Adoption distributes children to people with wealth, instead of distributing wealth to people with children. (Paul Whittaker, father of loss)

52. To an infant, adoption is no different than kidnapping or the death of its entire family, all at once.

53. The only innocent in adoption is the child. The child is the only one with no choice and no voice.

54. Adoptees are not "dream children". Adoption will not help you fulfill some Mickey Mouse fantasy family. Adoption presents a whole set of challenges all its own.

55. Adoption is a particularly problematic parenting situation.

56. If developmental trauma goes unaddressed, it can develop into adoptee rage.

57. For 2017, the maximum adoption tax credit is $13,750 PER CHILD. 

58. The government pays a one time, tax free, lump sum of around $14,000 upon finalization, "to ease the added expense of raising an adopted child". Adoptive families are also eligible under Title IV-E to a monthly subsidy ranging from $187/mo in Utah to $1560/mo in Alaska.

59. Infertility can cause desperation, depression, and other, more serious, mental health issues. A woman with infertility issues is NOT more fit to raise a baby than a woman with post partem depression.

60. Adoption agencies often spend upward of $50,000 a year in advertising: "positive adoption campaigns ", Facebook pages, Twitter and Instagram feeds. Each is  carefully crafted to lure in vulnerable expectant mothers and desperate-to-adopt couples.

61. Pro adoption campaigns are now being shown in high schools.

62. Adopters are encouraged by agencies and lawyers to build a relationship with "their birth mother". "Buy her small gifts, let her help fit up the nursery. Encourage her to choose "your child's" middle name. Establish a rapport and spend time together. Lots of it. That way when the time comes she'll be less likely to change her mind." (Quotes, paraphrased and mashed together, from at least four different adoption attorney pages)

63. Pro-adoption organizations and agencies will refer to an emom as a "birth mom", a "first mom", or a "natural mom" to "facilitate the separation and relinquishment process", and to relegate a woman to second-class status in her own child's life.

64. Adopters often try to commandeer the biological imperative of parenthood. They call themselves "paper pregnant" or "expectant adopting". Before a TPR is even signed, they refer to the adoptee as "our child" and the emom "our birthmother". They invade OB appointments and hospital times. Some even go so far as to wear fake bellies and induce lactation with drugs to breastfeed "their" adoptee.

65. Adoption is not love. Adoption is a legal agreement on the parentage of a child. It is not LOVE that makes adoption, it is LAW.

66. Adoption isn't free. No agency has ever "placed" a child without receiving payment.

67. If you are unable to pay your "adoption fees", the child may be "repossessed".

68. Not all adopters are kind and loving. Some are murderers. Some are pedophiles. Some are abusive. Watch the news for instances of parental mistreatment of adoptees.

69. Adoption agencies have careful guidelines to build adopters' "parent profiles" to "give you the best chance of being chosen by an emom." Some openly admit they are "advertising themselves" over the internet to emoms. Advertising is for goods, services, and now... babies?

70. Any agency that says they want an emom to make an informed decision about adoption, but refers to get as a birth, first, or natural mom, is lying. These entities are after a signed TPR and a live birth.

71. No agency really cares about the well being of the relinquishing parents. Once the agency has the child, The biological family will be pushed to the side and forgotten.

72. Unmarried biological fathers have no rights. Married biological fathers barely have rights; they often have to fight in court to attempt to stop an adoption in process and are often unsuccessful, even when they want and are capable of raising their children.

73. The goal of foster care/legal guardianship is family reunification. The goal of adoption is family destruction and forgery for profit.

74. Relinquishing mothers are often encouraged by agencies to make false allegations and police reports of abuse against the father, in order to legally leave them off the birth certificate and remove the added custody complications.

75. Biological fathers are viewed by the adoption industry as roadblocks and complications. Listen for how often their rights and needs are mentioned. (Hint: almost never.)

76. In many cases an infant will be forced attach to its adopters by "cocooning", the process of isolating them for several weeks or more after "placement". Through methodical isolation and conditioning, that baby is taught, "the adopter is the sole source if food, comfort, shelter, and cleanliness." This is a lesson in abject dependency, not attachment. Attachment is trust and love methodically and kindly built over time, not balls-to-the-wall brainwashing.

77. There are only 9 states in the US where adoptees have free access to their records: Alabama, Colorado, Hawaii, Maine, New Hampshire, Oregon, Rhode Island, Alaska, and Kansas. (2016)

78. In most states, adoption records and OBCs are sealed.

79. In most states where files are sealed, an adoptee requires permission from their biological mother and father, obtained by the court, to view their records. If permission cannot be obtained for whatever reason, the adoptee's request is denied.

80. Adoptees are denied access to their records every day due to relinquisher regret and embarrassment in the name of confidentiality.

81. Adoptees are predisposed to a plethora of mental illnesses, including, but not limited to, C-PTSD, DID, BD, BPD, Anxiety Disorder, OCD, attachment disorders, depression, and suicide.

82. The only things that are certain in an adoption are lies, pain, regret, and greed.

83. Adoption steals lives.

84. An adopted child will likely never be treated the same way as a biological child. Adopters confess themselves to not being as attached to adoptees as they are to "their own". "It's just not the same." (Quoted from a Huffpost article)

85. Adoptees who have been "disrupted" (relinquished a second time) are often advertised online like puppies. (See secondchanceadoptions.com)

86. Adoptees with more severe behavior issues are often relinquished to the custody of the state for inpatient care.

87. Adopters often refer to parenting a traumatized child as "parenting in the trenches", as though they are at war with their adoptee. ( http://outofshemind.com/2015/01/dear-adoptive-parents-hard-lonely-road/)

88. ⬆These adopters claim they are abused and manipulated by traumatized, frightened children.

89. Many babies "placed" for adoption have fathers that want them, who are deliberately and with malice excluded from the process.

90. Dogs and cats are required 6 weeks with their mothers for "nurture and nursing purposes" (PETA regulations). Human beings are required 48 hours, and many aren't nurtured or nursed by their mothers, but by their adopters.

91. Adoption isn't the alternative to abortion. Adoption is the alternative to parenting.

92. Adopting a child will not heal the pain of  infertility.

93. Newborn adoptees are not "blank slates", and they DO suffer adoption trauma.

94. Adoptees are often told, "your mother loved you so much she wanted to give you a better life". This phrase causes conflict about the nature and processes of love, thus promoting a twisted view of affection and loyalty.

95. Adoption agencies often charge extra for "special order" children, I.e. specific race, sex, traits, and characteristics.

96. Many adoptive mothers are narcissistic abusers who mistreat adoptees physically and psychologically for not living up to their exacting standards.

97. There is nothing heroic about relinquishment. The heroic choice is to put yourself second and your child first, and parent.

98. Adoption agencies and maternity homes will, in general, only provide aid to an emom in crisis as long as she plans to relinquish. If she changes her mind and makes it clear the answer is no, the aid and shelter is immediately withdrawn.

99. The child's real family isn't just going to disappear. Neither will the child's desire know them.

100. Adopters: that adoptee will never be "yours". Most of that child's love, truth, and fidelity was left behind when it was relinquished.

101. An adoption; open or closed, sealed or restricted or open access, newborn or foster, agency or private; will NEVER be in the best interest of the CHILD, only relinquishers and adopters. Only two sides of the "triad" benefit from adoption, and neither of those is the child.

# bravelove #braveloveadoptions  #gladneyadoptions #adoption #adoptionrocks #quiverfulladoptions #weloveadoption #birthmomstrong #adopteetruth #wehaveavoice 

Comments

  1. Wow! I love this. (I hate that I love this). But I love this. Fantastic. I agree with all of it. All of it. You have done a lot of work to put this together. It resonates. Thank you. I am going to share it to one of my facebook pages, The Missing Link Adoptee Search & Support here, https://www.facebook.com/findyourmother

    I really don't know how much support or searching is happening there (none). But I try to share really hard-hitting posts and rant a little or cry, whatever.

    I look forward to checking out the rest of your blog. Peace +++

    ReplyDelete
  2. "73. The goal of foster care/legal guardianship is family reunification. The goal of adoption is family destruction and forgery for profit." needs an edit to The goal of foster care/legal guardianship is purported to be be family reunification. Way too many examples where that is clearly not the case & the goal is obviously to free up more children for the adoption machine.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Unless expressly instructed otherwise ahead of time, when an adoptee dies, his/her death certificate will list the ADOPTIVE PARENTS, not the biological ones. Future generations performing genealogical research will hit a roadblock or be sent down the wrong path.

    ReplyDelete

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