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Self Righteous Birth Mother? Come, Let's Chat.

Ok, first and foremost, if your children were stolen, taken against your will, or adopted out without your consent, this isn't about you.

If you signed a paper relinquishing your rights, I am talking you. Get ready, because you are gonna hate me in about ten minutes. And guess what? I don't give a damn.

You don't really have space to talk much, birth mother. You want to tell me how you were coerced. Tricked into thinking you did what's best for me. All that says to me is that you are exceptionally weak and impressionable. Maybe you care more about social norms than you do about me. Maybe it's college. Or you're afraid of what mommy or daddy will think. Maybe you're afraid. I don't care. Unless someone put a gun to your head and forced you sign, there isn't enough coercion in the world to justify the choice you made. What you did was worst for me. You put me in the hands of heartless profiteers who made almost thirty thousand dollars selling me to an abusive woman and apathetic man. Thank you. That's certainly what was best for me.

You want to tell me how sad you are. Well, suck it up, buttercup. I don't fucking feel sorry for you. You want to know why? I'm sadder. You gave me away, and I lost a whole life. You got rid of a momentary problem, and my history was erased. You can breathe a sigh of relief because you now no longer have to figure out how take care of me. I will spend the rest of my life trying figure out why I wasn't good enough for you. You no longer have to be a mom. But that means I don't have one at all. Thank you. That's certainly what's best for me.

Then you want me pat you on the head and tell you that you made the right choice. Well, I'm not going to. I think you're about the worst example of humanity I've ever seen. Someone who would give their own flesh and blood to strangers to raise should be shot into the sun. People like you should be fixed. Forced sterilization. I don't care. If you sign away the rights a child, I frankly think you should lose the right to have any more children. You can't take care of the first one; what makes us think you'll do any better with the second?

You're pathetic and weak. You signed. I DON'T CARE WHY. I WILL NEVER CARE WHY. Your reasons and excuses mean less than nothing to me. You did what was easiest for you, not what was best for me. And I FUCKING HATE YOU FOR LEAVING ME. I will hate you for leaving me until you die, then I will piss on your grave and keep hating you. You ruined me. You ruined every aspect of my life, and you will never deserved to be forgiven by me. Because I will never stop paying for your decision.

Thank you. That's certainly what was best for me.

Comments

  1. MaddHatter, I hope you get the psychiatric help you so desperately need, and SOON!

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    1. I'm not crazy. I'm pissed off. I have every right be. You have no right to speak me that way. Go get your own psychiatric help. Mine is already working just fine.

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    2. Expressing a normal response to an abnormal situation doesn't require 'psychiatric' help. It's only when we're told NOT to express honest, truthful, righteous anger at injustice, told to keep that inside, to 'shut up', to protect the perpetrators - that we begin to need psychiatric help. And lord knows how well that works for millions taking psychotropic meds. Psychiatrists, psychologists and the pharmaceutical industry get wealthy. No one is healed. Until they can tell their truth.

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    3. Go fuck yourself, Mary Stevenson, you self-righteous, judgmental bitch.

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  2. Fucking cunt. She should have aborted you.

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    1. Sounds like projection.

      I wish she would have. Go fuck yourself.

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    3. Sounds like PhoenixRising has some of her/his own rage they need to work through... may i suggest a blog for yourself to express that somewhere else? It might help feel better. :)

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    4. Sounds like you need to piss off, #1 cheerleader.

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    5. Wow! For someone who's tag line is "Lying is the mother of violence. ~Ghandi" your comments are somewhat out of line with your supposed philosophy. Hiding behind a pseudonym while claiming Maddeline is "So big and ban on the net", followed by your threats of violence. Really? This wasn't written TO you. It wasn't ABOUT you. It's highly unlikely you know the person it was written about. Take a DEEP breath & ask yourself why you feel so enraged by another human being expressing their pain, anguish, righteous anger? Hate to tell you, but many adoptees feel this, yet are too afraid to say it. Because of people like you. While "Juno" may not be your favorite movie (I can only guess as to the reason), you may want to consider you don't know all the facts pertaining to this author. She may, in fact, have had so much EMPATHY and COMPASSION, it's made her SICK. Until now. It may be a hard pill to swallow for some birth mothers that the children they relinquished didn't go on to "better lives". That was far from the truth for so, so many of us. And hey, we're not responsible to continue to LIE to make everyone else feel better about it.

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    6. @Phoenix

      Yeah, you're big and bad and scary. Come punch me in my cunt face because I said something you didn't like and I'll see to it that you have a felony record for the rest of your life.

      Are you even a parent? I fucking hope not. No child deserves to be raised by your agression level. You punch your kids in their cunt faces too?

      I reiterate: go Fuck yourself, angry internet pussy troll.

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    7. Abortion is wrong because then birth mothers can't make a profit out of selling their babies, adoption agencies and lawyers cannot make a profit, and abusive parents can't buy a scapegoat child.

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    8. "People like you should be fixed, forced sterilization, shot to the sun". Who is "scary?" Hypocrite much?

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    9. Forced sterilization, shot to the sun. Who is "scary"

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    10. @Phoenix

      The only thing I find even remotely scary is the amount of cowardice it takes to not only post threats on someone's blog, but to delete them in retrospect when the target doesn't respond the way you want.

      Are you a parent? Are you a mother who threw a child away? If not, you have no room to say one single word on this blog post. I've got 20 others, go bitch on one of those. You obviously have no idea what it's like to live in the adoption world. You're worth less than the dog shit I scrape off my shoe.

      Pussy. At least have the courage of your convictions and stand by your words instead of deleting your threats like a little pussy ass bitch.

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  3. Mary Stevenson -- she truly may not be mentally ill. As an adoptee, I've been more conversations like this than I can count.
    PhoenixRising - Name calling doesn't help. Telling her that she should have been an abortion is not new. Adoptees have been hearing this our entire lives. However, it is cold and callous.

    You may not like what you're reading, but this sentiment is not new and can be heard daily in adoptee-only places. She's just letting you see a little bit into a shut-out world of an adoptee. It may not be your truth, but obviously it is hers. Adoptees who end up in abusive situations have every right to be angry as long as it takes for them. Discounting her version because it makes YOU uncomfortable is pretty ignorant. You don't have to listen. She has every right to speak it.

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    1. It is a fact that many if not most mothers were and are coerced into "surrendering" their children and with the religious ideologue in the VP chair, pro-adoption "counseling/coercion" is likely to continue. Prior to the 1970's most mothers, well, most white mothers, were pretty much forced to sign their children away because having "allowed" oneself to get "in trouble" suggested that the mother was a prior unfit.

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    2. the last sentence should read "a priori" unfit.

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    3. Hi Maddeline. Thank you for sharing your personal story, thoughts and feelings - my gratitude to you for doing this is of a level you might never understand..and I speak as a "birth - mother". A little of my story: in 1971 I was 16 years old and became pregnant. There were absolutely no support or advice resources available as there are now. My GP rang my father to tell him I was pregnant ( an illegal breach of confidence)..my journey through the pregnancy and giving birth was organised for me through emotional abuse/ brainwashing from all "professional" people and worst of all by my father. I will never forgive him. I was sexually abused by a young medical student WHILE IN LABOR - there was no help, I was emotionally and physically broken - like a rag doll. A pillow was put over my face so I couldn't see my baby - taken away never to be seen again. I was told I'd signed consent for adoption papers. No one responded when I tried to talk about what really happened. I was told to stop making a fuss and get over it? I'm 63 years old now , my life has been like wandering through darkness in fog. I'm still trying to access my medical documents to fight the system, also just to try and understand what the hell happened. Why am I grateful for all you have shared? Your words: " I lost a whole life", they triggered me to tears of anguish and anger that perhaps my "lost" child has felt this way, too. Honestly, initially I was angry with you for saying all you said, but upon reflection, you have helped me, because your 5 words describe my whole life, too : "I lost a whole life". My heart goes out to you Maddeline. You are a brave strong lady and I wish you all the best in your life journey. Love and light to you sweetheart.

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    4. Lost Missy, I'm so sorry for what was done to you and the grief and trauma you've suffered. There are so many injustices in adoptionland. Thank you so much for making room for all adoptee voices.

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  4. Such kind and empathetic commenters. They couldn't possibly understand. It's beyond them. And I'm hoping Karma is on their doorstep. It's a messed up world where people throw their children away to the highest bidder. I wish you peace, love, comfort, and healing. No one can give you back what was stolen from you. God Bless

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  5. I wonder how old Maddeline is because if she was surrendered for adoption back in the day, signed papers or not, she can bet that her mother was coerced from day 1 right up until the papers were signed and back in the day, there was no highest bidder that the mother knew about. She was bullied for the entire pregnancy and then shut right out of her child's life. Maddeline, how old are you? Just asking....

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    1. My mother didn't want me. No one had convince her give me away, or my seven siblings she produced. The woman was human garbage. Don't defend her, she doesn't deserve your compassion.

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    2. My bio mother was 21. She got pregnant again by a different guy right after she gave me up. Dude married her thus she kept my brother. A. Selfish slut period. Rejected by the bitch the 2nd time at 56 years old. She was 77. Horrified that her secret was out to my 2. /1/2 brothers and a sister who the pcycho named the same birth name she gave me. I dont give a damn what day and age it was or how old the bitch is now. She did a number on me my entire life. 60 years and dont tell me how .. But still kicking

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  6. I think this is a beautiful expression of the adoptee rage that all of us feel deep down inside. This is the core of being "abandoned" and you have put it together eloquently and with passion and I applaud you for having the courage to speak this truth so many of us have felt. It doesn't mean you need "help" it means you are processing what it feels like to be abandoned and not have someone fight for us... with everything they had, as we would have done for them.

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  7. Thank you for having the courage to say what so many of us adopters feel for our mothers at one point or another. As much as I love her, there's a part of me that will never understand why she didn't fight harder for me. I needed her. How could she just let me go? Why wasn't I worth it? Of course we have rage! How could we not have rage when our own mothers abandoned us?

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    1. Thank you for reading and taking the time respond. 😃

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  8. I hope your vent helped you. It was very hurtful for me to read. If your mother gave away seven children she likely deserves your wrath.

    You also deserve to be very angry that you were adopted and abused, but doesn't some of that anger belong to your adopters?

    I just regret you feel that you can generalize about all mothers who signed relinquishment papers. You have not walked a mile in may shoes. You have not cited every day for fifty years (on the 25th of this month).

    I doubt you would be able to, but I hope you would read The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler and wake up Little Susie by Ricki Solinger. Maybe some women today chose college or career instead of nothing, but back in the day we did not have such choices.

    Every situation is unique. So hate YOUR mother all you want, but please don't generalize. Many adoptees and their mothers have had satisfying - even loving - reunions based on understanding and acceptance, even forgiveness.

    I have not walked a mile in your shoes and would not pretend to know how it feels. Again, I hope it helped you to vent.

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    1. I hope it helped because your anger is JUSTIFIABLE in your situation.

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    2. Everytime I get you should read "The Girls Who Went Away" I always like to use this quote from the book

      "I always felt like there was a huge scale and that I could never balance it. I held myself responsible. I had so many mixed feelings. I wanted to keep this baby. I felt powerless to keep this baby. I wanted it to be over. I wanted to go back to being a normal person. I wanted the baby out of my life. I wanted the baby. I didn’t want the baby. I think it’s that ambivalence that is so hard for people to look at and admit. Most people will say, “Oh, I wanted my baby with all my heart, and they took the baby from me.” And they turn themselves into a victim. Anytime you get yourself into a situation like this, you have to see where you are partially responsible for it. It’s a two-way thing. I’ve been in a lot of situations like that. I’ve been in situations where it seems as though I’m the victim but in reality I’m a part of the equation. I think a lot of it started with that terrible betrayal that I felt by not wanting myI always felt like there was a huge scale and that I could never balance it. I held myself responsible. I had so many mixed feelings. I wanted to keep this baby. I felt powerless to keep this baby. I wanted it to be over. I wanted to go back to being a normal person. I wanted the baby out of my life. I wanted the baby. I didn’t want the baby. I think it’s that ambivalence that is so hard for people to look at and admit. Most people will say, “Oh, I wanted my baby with all my heart, and they took the baby from me.” And they turn themselves into a victim. Anytime you get yourself into a situation like this, you have to see where you are partially responsible for it. It’s a two-way thing. I’ve been in a lot of situations like that. I’ve been in situations where it seems as though I’m the victim but in reality I’m a part of the equation. I think a lot of it started with that terrible betrayal that I felt by not wanting mythink people want to look at that. I think it’s so much easier to just say, “I thought the best thing for my child would be to do this.” You know, I’m sorry. I have to say, I respect people who say that, but I find it hard to believe that anybody in that circumstance is so mature that they are thinking of what is best for their child. I think most people are surviving, and that’s the thing they’re so ashamed of. They’re so ashamed that they’re thinking of their own survival. The rock-bottom reality is you were thinking of your own survival more than your child’s. Once you realize that, it does something to you. It’s like you’ve been put to a kind of test and you failed. You failed. So you punish yourself for a long time until you can get to a place where you can’t go any lower. And there’s something very liberating about that, because then you start coming back up out of it. You begin to see who and what you are. And you begin to see the importance of dharma and the importance of acting according to your principles and the importance of doing what you know is right."

      Fessler, Ann. The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade (p. 244). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

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  10. Adoptee here, in my ragiest days, I feel the same as the author. By signing me away, my mother did what was easiest for her, not what was best for me. She was a coward. I think the author expressed beautifully what my worst, angriest self plays often in my head on those bad days. On my best days, the soundtrack is quite different. Thanks for validating many adoptees' experiences. Peace. ❤️

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  11. To those who have shown support, thank you. Those that get mad, too bad. This is my journey through grief and pain, not yours. If it hurts your delicate little baby feelings or stirs your little baby anger, I DON'T CARE. Let's just be real clear on that point. My delicate baby feelings are hurt, and THAT'S what I care about.

    You don't like my blog? Don't fucking read it. Scroll past the link. No one forced you tap that button, so don't spill your vile shit on me.

    Thanks again to those who understand, for taking the time read and (hopefully) share.

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    1. Maddeline. In your opinion, can one understand your pain, respect your right to vent, and still not accept your opinion that all birthmoms, or even most birthmoms, don't consider what is best for their baby? My personal life experiences give me a good understanding of the pain you feel, and I do think that, hopefully, you will grow out of your anger and find peace. Wishing you the best.

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  12. Thank you for helping to dispel the myth that adoptions are all like glowy Cheerios ads. Adoptive parents and birth parents will obviously be resistant to hearing about the dark side of adoption, but it's important it gets out there. Good for you. :-)

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  15. I remember having this exact mentality. I was vicious towards firstmoms for a long time. I had a face to face interaction at a 4th of July party with a woman I had never met before, both a little tipsy. I can't recall how adoption was brought up but she mentioned she had placed her son a few years prior. Holy bajeesus I lit into this woman for probably a good hour. Admittedly at the time it felt fucking glorious to be able to put my emotions onto another human being. However, Even though that was over 10years ago, I think back on that conversation frequently and wish I could apologize. The anger I had was never meant for her.

    Now, after years of therapy and maturity I made a conscious decision to not allow that anger to affect my life. It is hard work to be that angry all of the time. It is emotionally draining and the physical ramifications for me personally will never go away. I will always have scars as a testament to my anger I couldn't appropriately do away with. My anger intended for someone I didn't know, who made a decision that I had no choice in and would forever impact my life turned itself towards me. I fucking hated myself. I refuse to allow a choice made for me continue to affect me. I have so much life to live without all that even though it is woven into almost every aspect of my life.

    You have EVERY right to feel the way you do and I'd be lying if sometimes I didn't jump back on that bandwagon every so often. I hope my comment does not come across as self righteous and you should take the path I chose, not at all. I had to do that for me. Your voice is vital and needs to be heard. Not everyone can be so raw and exposed knowing their opinion is the minority so good on you. Keep sharing your truth!

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  16. I'm glad you wrote this. I happen to feel the same way. It sounds like we were bought by the same people..Abusive mother, apathetic father.

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  17. Thank you for expressing what a lot of us adoptees feel but don't say. You go girl!

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  18. Maddeline, as someone who has adopted 2 children, one who was 16 and one who we fostered and her adoption disrupted, I have to agree with you, the hurt adoptees feel and foster children feel when parental rights are severed is unimaginable to some. I now volunteer for our local foster care review board. It helps to know that there some who do fight to keep their children. I won't lie. There are also some who prefer their drugs or have had their parental rights removed from so many other children that they just don't fight it. I do not blame you one bit for calling them "human garbage."

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    1. I just want to make it clear we did not disrupt the adoption. We took the child back when her adoption disrupted.

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  19. Your blog your agenda, and clearly this is why you are expressing your pain. I support you. When I handed my infant over to strangers, (whose lifestyles were not as promised), it never occurred to me that she would come to harm, or that the many lies would haunt me the rest of my live. While she did not come to harm in the adoptive family, I would have never known if it had happened to her. In all fairness, coercion comes in many forms. This is not an excuse, and I rue the day I signed her away. My daughter found me. while in her 20's while I was seeking her from her 10th birthday. I was thrilled, but the damage, the terrible psychic damage of abandonment, lies, and the authentic realistic inability to grasp having been given away created a wedge that cannot be healed. I am so sorry for your unacceptable and unjustifiable experience as an adoptee.

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  20. As a mother who relinquished, I'd say that my "excuses" to place were real. I was not able to support myself at the time with a full-time waitressing job, let alone a child. I was not made aware of local resources or offered the necessary support to raise a child. Yes, homelessness and soup kitchens were an "option", but really, was it "best" to raise a child on the streets, or in daycare? Someone else would be raising my child regardless if I had to work two full time jobs just to pay the bills.

    Adoption was presented to me as what was "best" for him, two married, financially stable, religious parents who promised continued contact and involvement throughout his life.

    I, unlike you, did not have the insight in to adoption trauma, as I was not adopted. How was I supposed to know that adoption hurt children? I was young and naive, and hadn't solved life's mysteries at that time. I had to make a decision based on what I knew, and was advised to do by those who I trusted to know more and better than I did at that point of my life. And I had to act fast, as a child was coming, one that I had to feed and cloth asap.

    Who was going to hire me in a full time job when I was. If as a house? Give me a place to stay and care for me in those first few months while I was bleeding and nursing?

    Practical concerns, all, yes. But real concerns.

    True, I chose adoption. It was the only real practical "help" that I was offered in my crisis. I believed the lies that I was told that I was doing what was "best" for him, giving him a better life. A stable home and a stay-at-home mother, a glorified daycare worker.

    I never "abandoned" him. I stayed in contact with his adoptive parents for decades asking to see him. I send mountains of letters and pictures to them, all of which needed up in a lock. I'd at a bank where he couldn't find these.

    They lied to him and told him they knew nothing about me.

    They lied to me to gain my permission to parent and then spend the next two decades managing me so I didn't contact him direct.

    Now, in reunion, they thwart me and meddle in our relationship.

    Had I am inkling that adoption would hurt him, there is no way in hell I'd have ever placed. If I believed that he was better off living in poverty with me, than with them, I'd have never placed.

    I know adoptees don't trust people to tell them the truth, because they've been betrayed with lies their entire lives.

    But I am not lying. I really and truly believe I was doing the "right thing" when I placed. I was wrong. I hope he'll forgive me for my ignorance. I will do what I can to make amends, however futile. I cannot undo the damage of the past, but I will try to mitigate it.







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  21. I feel the same as you do. I have 4 children and cannot imagine giving any of them away. When I was expecting #4, my husband was not making much money. I went to planned parenthood because they offered free pregnancy tests, and i wanted to confirm what I already suspected.

    I had the pregnancy test, and it was positive. I spoke to a counselor, who advised me to get an abortion. She told me to think of my other children, and think of my self.

    I felt awful. I did not want my children to suffer. I actually considered doing what she advised, until I thought a little more. I realized that I loved my unborn baby. I realized that another child would not hurt my children, or me. It would make our lives better.

    The thing that changed my mind was imagining trying to explain to this aborted baby why I did it. What reason could ever be good enough, to that baby. How could I kill it?

    Adoption is like that. How can you ever explain to a person why you did it? What reason could ever be good enough for giving away your own child?

    Couldn't you just say no? What would they really do to you? And why not try to keep your baby?

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  22. THANKYOU for being real and vulnerable and expressing all the sh*t that some of us (adult adoptees) are unable to articulate. You're my hero. And for the record- being an "ungrateful" adoptee isn't an icd-9 diagnosis- it's only the horrified adoptive parents that don't like what we are saying and try to gaslight us into believing we have mental illness because we want to express our rage. Rage is a healthy response to the bullshit and abuse that many of us have experienced!

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  23. Thank you so much for your raw honesty. I gave my second child away due to temporary circumstances, it was the most selfish, ignorant, and regrettable thing I could have ever done. At the time, I didn't see it that way. I bought into the whole "selfless", "better life", and "you're giving loving parents a child" BS. I was a coward. I should have kept her and tried. But I didn't. Now she has another mom and it's my fault for giving her away. You have every right to feel the way that you do. I'm sorry that you didn't have a choice.

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  25. Wow! And this is supposed to promote healing and progress for mother/child etc....you are making the great divide even greater with that attitude. But no, keep talking! You are promoting hate towards birth mothers from all sides, even outsiders. Shame on you! You are making things worse, not better. Adoption is polarizing, I get that, but let's have the maturity and foresight to try and get past that.

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    1. My journey. My healing. I'm not here to make relinquishers feel better about themselves. Why in the name of god would a rape victim feel sorry for their rapist? Why am I going to feel sorry for EITHER of the other sides of the triad. They ALL had a voice. They ALL had a choice. Except us.

      This has nothing to do with maturity. This is about reality and truth. And the truth is, if you relinquished a child, you SHOULD feel bad about it. Period.

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    2. Shut up, Jenifer, you sanctimonious piece of garbage. Who said it's Maddeline's job to promote healing or progress? Maybe she wouldn't need to HEAL if her birth mother wasn't a dumb bitch who abandoned her? She doesn't owe you shit, and she owes her birth mother even less.

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  26. I feel this way not about my mother, who was declared unfit by the state to care for me due to schizophrenia and had me taken from her before she was even allowed to hold me. No, who I feel this toward is her siblings, who came to the hospital to see me and then callously abandoned me to the foster care system. What kind of person does that to kin?! Sick, selfish fucks, that's who! When I met them I was openly angry, and boy were they surprised that their little fairy tale they'd told themselves about my "loving adoptive family" was a goddamned lie, and that I placed the blame for the abuse I suffered for years solely in their laps.

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  27. I'm so, so sorry for your experience. And the nasty comments. All of them.

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  28. I am with Lost Missy. I feel both your pain. But, I am the mom who wanted my baby SO BAD and was coerced to lose her, for the sake of a greedy adoptive narcissist mom. All I have left is my will to see my girl someday, some 14 years from now.
    Trying to be strong.

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