No. No, you really don't.
Non-adopted person, listen to me and listen good. You do NOT wish you were adopted. If you knew what it feels like to be adopted and aware, you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy.
Adoption is trauma and abuse of a voiceless infant. Whatever the circumstance, we are torn from our families and thrown to strangers. We scream and protest until we are quite literally broken. And we carry that break in us for the rest of our lives.
I'm just going to assume that those of you who wish you were adopted percieve yourselves to have been abused or mistreated in some way by your family. Funny, I was abused and mistreated by my family too, and I WAS adopted.
Beaten? Me too, and I was adopted .
Verbally abused? Me too, and I was adopted.
Molested and raped? Me too, and I was adopted.
Sounds pretty well the same to me. Until you add in the distinct disadvantage of developmental trauma. Until you add in massive loss and fear of abandonment. Until you add in the mystery of identity and those pesky human rights violations. Until you add in the fact that our mothers didn't do what it took to keep us, and regardless of age we feel that keenly.
So it turns out it's not the same at all, now is it? Your problems are not the same as mine. And guess what? There's about a 30% chance that adoption would have solved your problems, but there's a 100% chance it would have introduced a whole shitbucket full of others.
I understand wishing you hadn't been abused, or wanting a different life from what you are dealt. Many people wish they had different lives, especially Adoptees.
Wish your life was different. Don't belittle my life by wishing you were adopted. And don't argue with me when I tell you it's disrespectful and triggering to Adoptees. You don't know what hurts Adoptees, you aren't adopted.
If you've relinqished (or adopted, to a lesser degree), you're ten times the bloody hypocrite for saying this to an Adoptee. You actually have the audacity to look at a person who has lived the trauma of relinquishment, knowing you've caused the same trauma (often to multiple children) and WISH YOU WERE ADOPTED???
Have you lost your fucking mind? You, who lived biological privilege (pleasant or not), have the BALLS to say to me, someone who lost their entire life and family, that you wish you'd lost yours too? Because living in a black hole of identity, unexplained rejection, isolation, and unfixable unrest is somehow better than your abusive Mommy?
My "Mommy" was abusive too. Trouble is, she wasn't mine.
The mother that abused you made you.
The mother adoptress who abused me purchased me.
When your cousin molested you, it was incest.
When my cousin molested me, it was "kids being kids, it's not like they're really related."
If your father murders you, he gets life.
If my father adopter murders me, he gets ten years, because you're "not really his child".
Do you see the difference yet? You live biological privilege, even in abuse.
You want to be adopted? Okay. You want to go through life feeling lost, alone, and out of place. Wondering why you weren't good enough to keep. Reminded daily by virtue of attitude and resemblance that you don't belong. Knowing there is someone out there related to you, but you don't know who they are. Being constantly told how lucky you are and how thankful you should be. Being the band aid for someone's infertility, the replacement for the child they "should have had". Try living up to the memory of a ghost who was never born.
I'd rather hear, "My life sucked, but at least I wasn't adopted." That's insulting too, but I can take that better. Taking comfort in missing out on my misfortune? I can't fault you for that.
People always tell me I should be grateful I'm adopted. I say you should be grateful you aren't.
Non-adopted person, listen to me and listen good. You do NOT wish you were adopted. If you knew what it feels like to be adopted and aware, you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy.
Adoption is trauma and abuse of a voiceless infant. Whatever the circumstance, we are torn from our families and thrown to strangers. We scream and protest until we are quite literally broken. And we carry that break in us for the rest of our lives.
I'm just going to assume that those of you who wish you were adopted percieve yourselves to have been abused or mistreated in some way by your family. Funny, I was abused and mistreated by my family too, and I WAS adopted.
Beaten? Me too, and I was adopted .
Verbally abused? Me too, and I was adopted.
Molested and raped? Me too, and I was adopted.
Sounds pretty well the same to me. Until you add in the distinct disadvantage of developmental trauma. Until you add in massive loss and fear of abandonment. Until you add in the mystery of identity and those pesky human rights violations. Until you add in the fact that our mothers didn't do what it took to keep us, and regardless of age we feel that keenly.
So it turns out it's not the same at all, now is it? Your problems are not the same as mine. And guess what? There's about a 30% chance that adoption would have solved your problems, but there's a 100% chance it would have introduced a whole shitbucket full of others.
I understand wishing you hadn't been abused, or wanting a different life from what you are dealt. Many people wish they had different lives, especially Adoptees.
Wish your life was different. Don't belittle my life by wishing you were adopted. And don't argue with me when I tell you it's disrespectful and triggering to Adoptees. You don't know what hurts Adoptees, you aren't adopted.
If you've relinqished (or adopted, to a lesser degree), you're ten times the bloody hypocrite for saying this to an Adoptee. You actually have the audacity to look at a person who has lived the trauma of relinquishment, knowing you've caused the same trauma (often to multiple children) and WISH YOU WERE ADOPTED???
Have you lost your fucking mind? You, who lived biological privilege (pleasant or not), have the BALLS to say to me, someone who lost their entire life and family, that you wish you'd lost yours too? Because living in a black hole of identity, unexplained rejection, isolation, and unfixable unrest is somehow better than your abusive Mommy?
My "Mommy" was abusive too. Trouble is, she wasn't mine.
The mother that abused you made you.
The mother adoptress who abused me purchased me.
When your cousin molested you, it was incest.
When my cousin molested me, it was "kids being kids, it's not like they're really related."
If your father murders you, he gets life.
If my father adopter murders me, he gets ten years, because you're "not really his child".
Do you see the difference yet? You live biological privilege, even in abuse.
You want to be adopted? Okay. You want to go through life feeling lost, alone, and out of place. Wondering why you weren't good enough to keep. Reminded daily by virtue of attitude and resemblance that you don't belong. Knowing there is someone out there related to you, but you don't know who they are. Being constantly told how lucky you are and how thankful you should be. Being the band aid for someone's infertility, the replacement for the child they "should have had". Try living up to the memory of a ghost who was never born.
I'd rather hear, "My life sucked, but at least I wasn't adopted." That's insulting too, but I can take that better. Taking comfort in missing out on my misfortune? I can't fault you for that.
People always tell me I should be grateful I'm adopted. I say you should be grateful you aren't.
The REALITY is that it's disrespectful and triggering as fuck when non adopted people, ESPECIALLY other members of this so called "triad", say they wish they had been adopted. It's worse than me calling them BMs and adoptoraptors. It completely trivializes EVERY FUCKING THING you other legs of the "triad" did to us. It marginalizes the entire experience of being adopted and renders it a Disney princess movie. You're Fucking clueless if you think that's an acceptable thing to do to an already abused member of society.
ReplyDeleteTHAT'S the fucking REALITY.
You have the right to feel how you feel. You don't have the right to revictimize those who have already been victimized by your kind with your feelings and wants.
❤❤ from another adoptee (baby scoop victim)
DeleteI'm not BSE. I was abandoned, not "lost" or "stolen".
DeleteHere here!
ReplyDelete