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Silence, Delete, Report, Remove

I understand.

I scare you. The truth scares you. Your pain scares you. And more importantly, perhaps most importantly of all, my pain, OUR PAIN, scares you. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to ban and block. To a degree, it's okay to talk shit about me. We're all adults.

Do you know what's not okay? Trying to shut me down. Trying to silence my voice. Trying to cut me off from my comfort, connections, and freedom. The constant neverending petty target on my back. The barrage of abuse in my inbox and the constant reporting and harrassment.

I don't report you, because, unlike you, I have actual work to do. There are too many Adoptees out there who lack a voice. They think they're alone. They think they're crazy and the only one feeling this irreparable, undefinable loss. They don't understand why they feel what they do, or that they're allowed to feel that way. They're brainwashed. They're damaged. They're wracked with guilt because they Just. Don't. Feel. Grateful. They're surrounded by people telling them that they're wrong, they're fine, and they just need to let it go and move on.

But you can't just "move on" from developmental trauma, abandonment, and the effective death of a family. It doesn't just "go away". In fact, it tends to get worse if ignored.

We are expected to ignore it. We are expected to swallow our pain for the benefit of adopters and relinquishers. Stay small. Stay silent. Don't push. Don't cause us any kind of discomfort.

While you sit comfortable in our silence, complacent, pleased with your choice and your "advocacy", we are drowning in that same silence. Suffocating on unsaid words, unexpressed grief, and screaming pain too big to let out. 

Taking into account all I and my cribmates have to live with, and the fact that there are so few like me with the voice to speak for so many, do you really think I  have time to bother with you and your delicate feelings?

Let me lay it out for you RIGHT NOW, ONCE AND FOR ALL. You want to know what my agenda is? ADOPTEE HEALING. That is all. Do I want all adoption abolished? Of course I do. Do I want relinquishers and adopters to stop perpetating adoption? Of course I do. But after almost a year of floundering around, being abused for my POV at every turn, I finally figured out what's important. Adoptee healing. Not adopter parenting or relinquisher recovery. You were all adults when adoption entered your lives. And frankly I don't have room for your nonsense when I'm trying to cope with the shit I was given by people just like you. I don't have time to concoct ways to "hurt broken mothers" or "judge well-intentioned APs". You lend yourselves to it, and I'm far too concerned with your problematic behavior to worry about whether I'm hurting your feelings or not.

Do you know why? Because ADOPTEES NEED ME. I'm not exaggerating or being dramatic. The two times I've been pushed far enough by the cruelty and abuse to consider shutting down my blog and quitting, my cribmates have come out of the woodwork with shouts of support and quiet requests to please keep posting. 

My voice is wanted. My voice is needed. BY ADOPTEES. You don't have to like it or listen. You can ban me from your groups and block me from your pages. As annoying as it is, I don't really care.

I care about the Adoptees who trust me to speak for them. I care about the abandoned, relinqished people living in the dark. I care about providing a safe space for my people to deal with the legacy of pain bequeathed us.

My blogs are for Adoptees, to give them words for their anger and pain. To warn them about problematic people and spaces. And to let them know that we are adults now, and we no longer have to take shit from anyone.

As much as they love to read them and tear me apart for it, my blogs are not written for adopters and relinquishers. Nor do I care what you think about me, my blogs, my words, or my methods. It's not about you. And if you think it's about you, I guarantee you are 100% part of the problem.

These Adoptees could be your children. Some of them are. They depend on me, they deserve a space and a strong unrelenting protective presence to allow them space to heal. One of those presences is ME. If you shut me down, you're shutting down everyone that stands with, behind, and on top of me.

Stop trying to silence me. You're wasting your time and energy. You're making yourself petty and small, like a five year old tattling over stolen crayons. And guess what? I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to shut up and go away. I'm not going to stop. Because ADOPTEES, ALL ADOPTEES, deserve to heal and be free of the lives relinquishers and adopters inflicted on us. Leave us alone and let us heal. Stop overlaying your pain, needs, and agendas on our voices, shut the hell up, and sit down. We are adults now, and it's time to allow us the freedom and ADULTHOOD to handle our lives the way we see fit.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Adoptees have pre-verbal emotions and experiences that are so difficult to access. You have a gift for translating these human, non-verbal responses to trauma and discrimination into words that resonate. Frankly if you have a social conscience--as well as a love for truth and justice--doing nothing isn't an option. Neither is remaining silent. You have seen too much. However you aren't alone. Other adoptees can fill the gaps and provide anything that's lacking in their communication with relinquishes and adopters.

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. Thank you for your blog, your words and your bravery. They help me feel validated.

  5. I have an interesting article on adoptee culture if anyone wants it.

  6. Hey I love this post. I agree with you fully!!!! Rock on sister!!! Love the fire.

  7. "And frankly I don't have room for your nonsense when I'm trying to cope with the shit I was given by people just like you. I don't have time to concoct ways to "hurt broken mothers" or "judge well-intentioned APs". You lend yourselves to it, and I'm far too concerned with your problematic behavior to worry about whether I'm hurting your feelings or not."

    I love what you wrote, but especially the bit I pasted above. You are bad ass, keep it up!!


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