Skip to main content

Be Grateful You Weren't Aborted

Are you grateful you weren't aborted? Why should I have to be?

There's this thing that people do, all the time. When I say it sucks be adopted, they say, "well, at least you weren't aborted".

Worse are the people who think I should be grateful I wasn't aborted.

"You should be thankful that that you were given the chance to exist."

"You should thank god he spared your life."

"You should be grateful your birth mother decided not to kill you."

And the piéce de resistánce: "It could have been worse, you could have ended up a trash can."

Ok firstly, who thinks it's ok to talk people this way??? Am I not standing in front of you with eyes and a face and feelings? Do I not deserve basic human decency? Because I'm adopted, does make it ok for you to talk to me like second-class citizen?

And secondly, who exactly do you think you are? What makes you think you even have the right to have an opinion about what I should be grateful for? And how would you like to be told, when you discover the crack in your foundation, that your ought to be grateful to even exist?

This part is harsh, and if you love me you don't want to read this. Trust me and skip it.

I'm not grateful I'm alive. I've never once over the whole course of my life been grateful to be alive. In fact I've spent most of my life wishing I dead. Not suicidal, so put the hotline number down. I had a death wish, subconsciously, that caused me do needlessly dangerous things. Like scaling walls of crumbling earth forty feet high or jumping off the tops of silos into the grain below. Riding a four wheeler at breakneck speeds around a field that you built a six foot jump into... well you get picture. Not to say I've not attempted, but I never succeeded, and I'm past it. But the fact of the matter is, given a choice between life I was shoved into and oblivion, I would choose oblivion. Hands down. Oblivion would have been humane.

Don't ever tell what to be grateful for. You have no idea what it's like to live inside my skin or tell my story. And most of all, DO NOT EVER TELL ME HOW LUCKY I AM TO HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO BREATHE. I shouldn't have to be grateful that. The very  suggestion that I should need to is dehumanizing.

I have been dehumanized, objectified, and commoditized enough in my life, without clueless idiot suggesting that I should feel fortunate that my mother decided not to kill me. I am not a sack flour or a kitten in window. I am a human being who was robbed of all connection and dignity. My past and family were stolen, along with my ability to form basic human connections. I have never in my life felt truly safe or properly protected.

I have never been Home. I've never had one.

I'm not grateful to be alive. I've lived, and I've enjoyed living.  I've done best could form connections in constant fear of them being severed. Being rejected again. Because from the time I was four months old, I knew that  everyone will leave you, even your mother.

I'll be grateful what I feel like being grateful for. I don't need any more helpful suggestions on that front.


  1. You just hit the nail on the head. There isn't a single word in this piece that I don't agree with.

  2. Interesting self reflection. When I met my birth mother I was told concretely that she had NO, nada, zero, zip, interest in motherhood. This was not said out of malice. Just was her truth.

    My birth mother did allude to the fact that in 1960 abortion was not available, if it were I would have not been born.

    I am grateful to be alive.

    These words you wrong I can't identify with nor do I want to be defined only as a legal document.

    I was oddly at peace with this since "I knew."

    Irony is this piece is dehumanizing


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sibling Connection

I was robbed of the connections that belonged to me. The connection to my blood, my biology, and the life I should have had were severed by my mother when she chose to abandon me with my father. She had already taken one sibling from me at that point, my older sister, relinquished at three years old, not too long before I came along. She would go on to take eight more; the six she passed out to her friends as they came out of her, like litter after litter of unwanted kittens, and the two my father kept. He would have kept me, too, had my mother not effectively ostracized him from his family with her habits and then abandoned him with a four month old baby. On her side, eight children scattered to six different families... no chance for connection there.

But with my father's side, I will always feel the missed opportunity. I will always believe there was a chance in the pages somewhere with them that was missed. Part of me will always feel like I blew it with my honesty. You see, I …

Adoptive Parent Fragility

I'm curious, how do you expect to raise an adoptee when you can't even handle talking to one online?

Really. Riddle me this, because I want to know. Let's say, for sake of argument, I put forth the theory that an AP feels more bonded to their adoptee than the adoptee feels to them. I suggest that it's possible that, as most of us do, the adoptee is afraid to share any unhappiness they may feel. That they are subverting that unhappiness to soothe the AP. Adoptees are notorious people pleasers and often do live in terror of displeasing APs. I suggest that, when asked, an adoptee is likely to lie about their detachment, so as not to disappoint the AP and out of fear of rejection.

Some APs take advantage of his level of depth and openness to examine their own families and consider ways ways to solidify their attachments to their adoptees.

Fragile APs will insist they know how their children feel. "MY child is bonded with ME," they'll say. "I can FEEL it.&qu…

Post Adoption Depression: NOT A Medically Recognized Diagnosis

It's likened to post-partem depression. When one has gone through the (I laughingly call it) "rigorous" adoption process, apparently, after bringing "their" new child home, 65% of adoptive mothers end up suffering from "post adoptive depression". 

That's right, fellows. You read that right. 65% of adoptive mothers claim they "become depressed" once they finally get that baby they've been "working so hard for". Yeah. Filling out a bunch of papers and answering a bunch of questions, then sitting on your ass waiting for a phone call is a LOAD of work. Especially whey compared to, oh, I don't know, being pregnant?
[[Post-adoption depression syndrome (PADS) is real.  Joni S. Mantell, MSW, founder and director of the Infertility and Adoption Counseling Center, discusses the challenges of PADS in her article entitled“Beyond Happy” (featured in Adoptive Families).   She describes symptoms of PADS as “overwhelming…