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An Open Letter (and the last time it will be publicly addressed)

An open letter 

To all the relinquishers who've decided to slander and belittle me:

Dear poor sad mistreated relinquishers:

You're losing. You've set your own asses on fire and we are laughing while we watch you burn.

You see, your narrative is done. Your pity is worn through. Misery accomplishes nothing and sympathy is no longer power.

And we no longer feel sorry for you.

So your baby was stolen. So what? My first child was murdered. I dealt with it and I don't whine about it anymore. Hell, I barely talk about it at all. I haven't spent the last 25 years whining and crying about her and trying to change legislative processes so the mothers of murdered children are treated more fairly.

You changed some stuff. For yourselves. Mothers aren't treated the way they were in the sixties. Children are still relinquished and redistributed like cattle. Who have you been working for?

Thirty years is a long time to be advocating for Adoptees to have ALMOST NOTHING CHANGE FOR US. So who are you advocating for? Who do you cry about? Whose pain do you focus on?

You. Yours. Your rights. Your needs. Your desires. Your delicate baby feelings. You seem to only care about us as we represent your "lost" children. You only care about us as long as we're kind and sympathetic to you. The moment we show you our righteous, justified anger, even if it's not aimed at you, you go off the fucking deep end. You call us "industry sympathizers" and "vile, evil witches". You say the most cruel, insulting things to us that you can think of, and when that doesn't make us shut up and go away, you block us. You slander us behind a wall, not allowing us to defend ourselves. You write miles long blog posts about us, tearing us to shreds while touting your own "superiority" and "activism". You have your friends infiltrate our private groups to collect ammo. You have your cronies spam our inboxes with poisonous harrassment. You put out public calls to gave us blocked, banned, and silenced.

And when that doesn't work, you try to "open a dialogue" by using the most condescending terms possible. You don't want a dialogue with me. You want me silenced, discredited, labeled "out of control", "unwise", and "dangerous". Under the guise of "opening a dialogue", you treat me like an ignorant, petulant child who needs to be put in my place.

I'm in my place. I'm standing up for adoptees you've browbeaten into silence. I'm standing up for adoptees who are too afraid or insecure to use their voices against you. I stand up for adoptees who believe they have nothing to say and no way to say it.

I'm not shutting up. I'm not going away. And I'm not going to stop calling you on your self-congratulatory self-pity. I'm not going to stop telling you it's not about you. It's not about relinquishers. It's not about adopters. It's about US. And until you get that through your thick fucking skulls, I'm going to keep yelling it.

Go ahead. Do your worst. You're not going to pull your head out of your ass, apologize, and get on board (all you have to do, btw, that and own your shit), so bring your worst. Show your ass to everyone. Burn yourself, because you can't burn me.

You know why? Because when you've got nothing, you've got nothing to lose. You don't scare me. You can't hurt me. I was raised by an expert in inflicting pain, both physical and psychological. You quite literally cannot touch me, and you don't have enough game to hurt my feelings.

Is it annoying? Yes. Is it exhausting? Yes. Are you absolutely infuriating? Yes. But all you can do is piss me off. And when you piss me off, I'll write about your faults. You can't hurt me. You lack the requisite connection to be able to get in. You can't shut me up. No matter what you say it what you do, there's nothing you can do to stop me publishing my blogs, and you sure as hell can't stop people from reading them.

In fact, your drama has increased both my readership and my support. So, in a roundabout way, thank you for your childish meltdown. Thanks to you I have a much clearer picture of who supports me and who in this community needs me.

So don't worry, my dearest cribmates, even on the days I want to lay down my arms, I'm not going anywhere. I'm here and I've got you.

And to the relinquishers who take my words so personally... You want me to call you mothers? Own your shit and act like one, and earn the title.

If you want to continue to whine about what sad victims you are? Don't expect any kindness or sympathy from me. I save my kindness for mothers who own it and work to help their children, and the rest of us, to deal with the shit you all gave us.

I will never again put a "I don't mean BSE" disclaimer up on a post or blog. If you aren't smart enough to know that already, I can no longer help you.

Sincerely yours,
Julie Gray
AKA Maddeline Hattuer (and whoever the hell else you might THINK I am)


  1. Adoption sucks. I hear your pain and wish it on no one.

  2. Julie, I do 't care of you post this or not. But Iwant you to know that I HEAR you and I feel your pain. and I am sorry. I am sorry for the hand you were dealt. I wish you peace, Julie.

    I overacted to your words. They are YOUR words and you have every right to say whatever you want to say.

    One of the reasons I was concerned is because I fear mothers who have relinquished will read your animosity and refuse reunion for fear that they will be the targets of such explosive anger. But, whatever. It’s your right to say whatever you wish to. I hope that it helps you. to vent.

    You said you don’t feel sorry or me/us. That’s cool. I never asked you to. I seek no pity. I Loathe pity. I also do not ever plahy victim. I am a survivor! Like you, I survived the death of a child and barely ever talk about it excet toclose friends. If you were to read my books or articles oyu would se that NONE are autobiolgraphical. I do not talk about my own personal situation. I do NOT ssek sympathy!!

  3. You said: "You changed some stuff. For yourselves. Mothers aren't treated the way they were in the sixties."

    We did not do this, Julie, society did. Feminists had a part in it. Birth control access had a lot to with it. Murphy Brown and Title IX. WE didn’t do any of that. Even if we had done it, Julie, it wouldn’t have changed anything for those of us, because as you yourself say…

    "Children are still relinquished and redistributed like cattle. " An this is my poin about BSE and now not being much different!

    Julie - I never had any intent to silence you. I regret that my blocking you felt that way. But that was just on my FB page. You have this blog and I see your comments on many other FB pages. You have not been silenced and shouldn't be. You - like everyone else - is entitled to your truth!

  4. You aksed what we've done in 30 years.

    I personally have testified in NY and NJ, and helped get adoptee rights legislation in NJ, CT, PA, OR and many other states by writing letters to newspapers and to legislators - as requested by various state coordinators. I have also written Huffington Posts about the right of adoptee to equality in general. I – and many other mothers – do whatever we can to counter the major opposition to access which is the false claim that we, mothers, want anonymity.

    I don’t know if any of that matters to you. Paige Moss posted on AN&E that you have no interest in legislation, so I don’t know…

    But whether you care about adoptee rights or not, many mothers do care and do whatever we can to help adoptees get what should be theirs – their OBC.

    We got nothing out of it, so it is very odd that you say: "You. Yours. Your rights. Your needs. Your desires. "

    But again, these are your feelings! Disagreeing and/or clarifying is not silencing, Julie.

  5. I don't want to hurt you or have any need to. I wish you WELL! I truly have no reason or desire to try to hurt you or shut you up.

    I wish you peace.

    1. Mirah, I suppose if you really want to talk, you can take down your slam post, write a public retraction, publicly apologize on FB, and unblock me. Then we can talk. In the mean time, I have nothing to say to you. I will not bog down my blog with this 'dialogue'.

  6. I just wanted you to know. I said that I did not care of you posted it or not. I do not feel safe unblocking you. You have a right to your anger and to express it. I have a right not to be the target of it. I wish you well.

  7. Just so you know, I re-read my blogpost and see no reason to take it down or aologize for it. You have your truth, Julie and I have mine. Disagreeing is not silencing.

    I UPDATED it and you can see it here:


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