Skip to main content

The Divisive Adoptee



I will be divisive, because we need to be divided from you, relinquishers. 

 We need to be divided from your adoptee-blaming, shaming dismissal. 

 We need to be divided from your selfish advocacy. Our predicament was caused by you and is not a place to hide from your pain.

 We need to be divided from your browbeating. It's not our fault you gave us away, and it's not our fault we're angry about it.

 We need to be divided from your constant need for sympathy and compassion. The onus of your grief does not lie at our feet.

 We need to be divided from your constant need for validation and congratulations. If you're doing the good work stand up and do it. Stop broadcasting it in the hopes it will score you brownie points with adoptees. We may appreciate the work you do, but it certainly doesn't excuse anything or warrant any ass licking.

 We need to be divided from your fragility.

 We need to be divided from your inability to take responsibility for the pain you've caused us, both in our infancy and adulthood.

 We need to be divided from your defensive, whiny pain. It's no longer relevant and we have plenty of pain of our own.

 In short, we need to be divided from you, relinquishers. Advocate away. Help us. Demand credit, lose respect. Helping us isn't about raising your good guy badge up for all to see. 

 Helping us won't give you your child back.

 Helping us won't make us sympathize with you.

 Helping us should be about us, and the injustices dealt out to Adoptees daily, not about your good guy badges, validation, and self-congratulation. It's not about us coming around to understand your motives and patting you on the back. It should be about you making up for the shit you did, without any thought of reaping rewards from us.

 Stop putting on a show. It's not going to make us tell you it's ok that you didn't keep your kid.

 Advocate if you want to. Support adoptees if you want to. Stop expecting some kind of reward from us, because it's not our job to polish your little gold star.

 I'd rather be divided from your sanctimonious crap, than put up with your abuse in exchange for your 'help'.

Comments

  1. RobinDecember 20, 2017 at 9:29 PM

    Love it! Thank you for another spot on post.

    I have empathized with and felt compassion for first mothers experiences and have always been supportive. Until recent exchanges with Mirah and Lorraine, where they both (and other first mothers) attacked adopees in a very deep and painful way. After being friends for year, their attacks blindsided me. There was no middle ground with either of them or some of the other first mothers who joined in to support Mirah. Profound damage was done to the relationship between this adoptee and first moms.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Self Righteous Birth Mother? Come, Let's Chat.

Ok, first and foremost, if your children were stolen, taken against your will, or adopted out without your consent, this isn't about you. If you signed a paper relinquishing your rights, I am talking you. Get ready, because you are gonna hate me in about ten minutes. And guess what? I don't give a damn. You don't really have space to talk much, birth mother. You want to tell me how you were coerced. Tricked into thinking you did what's best for me. All that says to me is that you are exceptionally weak and impressionable. Maybe you care more about social norms than you do about me. Maybe it's college. Or you're afraid of what mommy or daddy will think. Maybe you're afraid. I don't care. Unless someone put a gun to your head and forced you sign, there isn't enough coercion in the world to justify the choice you made. What you did was worst for me. You put me in the hands of heartless profiteers who made almost thirty thousand dollars selling me to...
59 comments
Read more

Dismissive Language: Tone Policing and Other Damaging Habits

Dismissive tactics are fairly well understood, especially in social justice and debate circles. In the adoption arena, however, these tactics take on a willful blindness and venom which is truly disturbing. Let's explore some of the most commonly used phrases. "Not all adoptions are the same." "What if the mother won't parent?" "Well what do you suggest, then?" "I'm sorry you had a bad experience, but..." Really, I could fill a blog with "phrases commonly used to dismiss anyone who has anything negative to say about adoption" but I won't waste my time or yours reiterating that familiar drivel. We all know the phrases. We've all been told we "just had a bad experience".  We all have experience with those that dismiss because they don't like our tone. Dismiss being the key word. Phrases like "not all...", "what if...", angry, bitter, bad experience, and "can't we all ...
2 comments
Read more

Biology Matters

Inability to accept a universal truth does not render it false. Closing your eyes and refusing to admit the tree is in front of you won't stop you from running into it. I can now say with definite certainty that the biological imperative is real and not to be belittled or diminished. Sense memory is real and palpable. Family is NOT about love. Family IS about DNA. DNA does, in fact, matter, regardless of what any adoption agency, counselor, or adoptive parent might tell you. These are lies they tell to obscure the realities of adoption and to make it more palatable. Some of them actually believe it. We didn't grow in their bellies, and this "growing in their hearts" nonsense is absolutely insufficient. DNA matters. The connection to and from DNA matters. We don't have to love them. We don't have to like them. We don't have to have contact. The connection matters. Families are fucked up. Your sister hates your brother and everyone only tolerates mom. Da...
11 comments
Read more